Thoughts on Love

Aaahh Love....

What a terrible word.

Love is problematic, because we use it to define so many different things.

I remember in my youth someone  passing around a poem at a church activity with morality as the theme. I only remember the line "You and me and Eros and Agape" A poor attempt to use Greek in an effort to distinguish "Love" from Infatuation. I'm not convinced they actually use the Greek correctly - perhaps that was as deep as they felt they could go on the subject without losing teenagers. Perhaps I break out the fire hose too often.

Tradition has it that the Greek philosophers used quite a number of words to categorize "Love":


Agape - Although the word predates Christ's birth, the term has been largely taken over by the Christian world to mean Christlike love. The original meaning seems to be in line with this, though. Charity is perhaps the most strictly secular word we use today, though are secular use of it fails to capture the heights to which it reaches. Agape is the perfect love, the love that sees the good and the bad and loves regardless. Some would argue Agape is unattainable by mere mortals, something that we should strive for. The kind of love that reaches beyond mortal comprehension.

Philia - This one gets used as a suffix in a number of... uncomfortable words, It has a sort of double meaning, I suppose. More generally it is used to mean "affection" (even then, our use as a suffix seems inaccurate). More specifically it refers to brotherly love (Hence, Philidelphia, The city of brotherly love). This form of "Love" is comradeship. It is the bond shared between members of an atheletic team, a military unit, or similar, close-knit group.

Philautia - Self-esteem is the current name for this one. It is a healthy self-love, the recognition of personal worth. It is distinctly different from narcissism or hubris - self absorption.

Xenia - A close kin to Philia, this is hospitality, or "guest-friendship" it is different from Philia in that Philia is a strong bond built on a relationship of shared experiences and common objectives. This is a weak affection towards strangers, the desire to lend a helping hand. It generally carries an implied reciprocity, the expectation that kindness will be returned for kindness (making it distinctly different from Agape some might argue this is our attempt to achieve agape).

Storge - Called natural love, this is the relationship between parent and child. (Some also place love between brother and sister here, others include it in Philia).

Ludus - Playful love, this one often get's confused with Eros, but it is in fact very different. This is the fun, flirty kinds of relationship. The playful banter, teasing, it is a fun, uncommitted, kind of relationship. The "Falling in love" feeling that often gets called "Love" is more indicative of Ludus.

Pragma - Enduring love. When you talk about a  couple who have been married for fifty+ years in terms of Love. Pragma is what you are talking about. Pragma is a... pragmatic love. One which recognizes the faults in a companion, and accepts them, or at least places them as subordinate to the shared ideals and goals within the relationship. Pragma keeps a couple together through hard times and disagreements.It is often considered the opposite of Ludus, though the two can coexist in a relationship, and in doing so,make the relationship much stronger and more fulfilling.

Mania - Obsession this is the one unhealthy "Love" on the list (okay yes, there were two others mentioned above as unhealthy forms of Philautia, but this is the one that get's it's own section). Mania is usually a symptom of a lack of Philautia, the absence of self-esteem causes one to seek that validation externally. They NEED to have a friend, not just a friend, but someone who adores them. They can't stop thinking about them, can't be without them. It is insecure, codependent and manipulative, it is often harmful, causing one to and up in abusive relationships (either as the abuser or the victim).

Eros- I saved this one for last for a few reasons. Many argue this one doesn't belong on this list, as it is so uniquely different. It is said the Greek philosophers treated Eros with a certain fear. Eros was like lightening, sudden, intense, unpredictable... fickle. It could strike with a flash out of nowhere, when you least expected it, and could vanish just as quickly. While the others deal with a relationship made by choice. Eros is a... natural instinct, driven by physiology. In Nature, there are three, prime directives if you will which drive all animal behavior.
1. Seek Pleasure
2. Avoid Pain
3. Conserve Energy

Our body uses chemistry to help drive our behavior with respect to these directives. Most notably, dopamine. The body is set up to give a hit of dopamine when we do things that support these directives.
Eat when your are hungry, get a shot of dopamine.
Wrap up in a warm blanket when it's too cold, get a shot of dopamine.
Exercise, get a shot of dopamine.
Propagate the species (That means 'have sex', just to be clear), get a big shot of dopamine. 


And this is Eros the drive to procreate. Eros is problematic, it can easily turn into Mania if not tempered. On the other hand, it, like Ludus, can be paired with Pragma to create a much stronger, much more fulfilling bond.






If you consider all of these carefully, you may notice that the Most common use of the word "Love" today is missing.


Romantic Love- Romantic Love didn't show up in literature until sometime in the 1800's it is a new creation. And I would argue it is a deception.

Romantic Love tries to disguise Eros as Pragma. It suggests that the feeling of Eros is the indicator of the existence of Pragma, but without all the work. It's everywhere today, especially in children's literature. Two unassuming people see each other from across the room and... "Zing", fireworks, love at first site. They fight together against some evil being who want to keep them apart, they vanquish their foe and then ... "They live happily ever after".

But there is no strict relationship between Eros and Pragma. The two can exist entirely independent of one another. So this connection portrayed by the idea of Romantic love is a false connection. And the biggest problem with this is that people are unable to distinguish between the two. So, they think they have found their "soulmate", they rush in without ever committing and they "fall out of love" when hard times come.


This is further complicated due to the nature of Eros.

You see, the bodies directive mechanism can be "hacked". One of the classic experiments on this topic is Pavlov's dog. Pavlov repeated a process of ringing a bell, then giving a dog food. In time, the dog salivated when the bell was rang whether food was provided or not.

Another notable experiment was  done with rats. A button was wired up to inject dopamine directly into the pleasure center of a rat's brain. So, now the rat could get the pleasure reward which normally came from eating or mating, but with less work (directive 3: conserve energy). The rat would ignore an available mate, ignore food, and just repeatedly press the button. It would do this until it collapsed from exhaustion. It would do this until it dies.

(Note: An interesting correlative experiment was done in which they blocked the dopamine receptors entirely. Without the pleasure reward, the rat would just lie there. It wouldn't try to mate, it wouldn't go looking for food. It would just lie there and starve to death..)

So, the Eros feeling can actually get mis-wired to any number of things, some of which might even be detrimental to our survival.

Sometimes this occur intentionally- as an example many military organizations would purposefully utilize this to "improve" their soldiers. A new recruit would be required to kill an enemy prisoner. As soon as he had fulfilled this requirement his comrades would give him high-fives (or the appropriate equivalent of the time and region) and take him to the brother for his "reward", thereby linking the pleasure response to the act of killing.

This can also occur unintentionally, under any number of circumstances, often culminating in destructive behaviors, such as drug abuse, pornography addiction, or much less nefarious seeming addictions, like overeating, unhealthy eating (high fat, high sugar foods goes right to directive 3. In fact another rat study found that while rats would go for heroin over most foods or mating, they would pass up heroin for the filing in an Oreo cookie), social media addiction (the quick, often artificial interactions give a dopamine boost, that pesky directive 3 again...), video game addiction.

So we take a highly questionable, easily redirect-able, chemical sensation and link it to the end result of a hard, committed endeavor. (Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth...).

No wonder we have such a hard time with "Love".

Yeah, I know, somehow  "I pragma you" doesn't feel as.... romantic....