A random journal entry, which after some deliberation, I have decided to share publicly...
I have recently found myself spending considerable time
reflecting; trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, among other
things. I suppose fifty-three is a reasonable age for such thoughts.
I was never specific about what those toys were. Nor did I
exclude useful tools from that classification. And “Make people happy” can
range from simply delighting or entertaining, to improving quality of life.
The first career choice I remember having as a child was
“Space explorer”, (like Buck Rogers), or some sort of “Rescue Hero” (A-Team,
Knight Rider, The Bionic Man…)
I have been told that prior to those, I had designs of being
a wealthy farmer, though I abandoned that when I was told that I should serve a
mission first, and that would put me over 20 years old which, I considered
“Over the hill” at that time.
Somewhere in elementary school, I vacillated between an
array of options in the entertainment industry; actor, dancer, musician… I believe
this was driven by a desire for fame – a need to be admired, adored. Also, I had
the chance to interact a few people who were amateurs or low-level professionals,
and they were all very admirable people; kind, happy, pleasant, likeable… I
wanted to emulate them.
In high school, spurred perhaps by Air-wolf and The
Equalizer (The series from the 80’s), I think I was still leaning toward
“Rescue hero” And had designs on entering the military - Air Force or Army (for
helicopter piloting) – to begin my training for such an endeavor.
This ambition shifted to engineering sometime during my missionary
service – thought still with some thoughts of piloting lurking in the
background. My aim was aerospace engineering, but an aerospace engineer I met
while in Florida encouraged me to consider mechanical engineering instead, as
it would provide greater career flexibility.
I began my university career in Mechanical Engineering, but
for one reason or another allowed chemistry to intimidate me. I then couldn’t
make up my mind between Electrical Engineering or Computer Science, so pursued
both, and after five years schooling was roughly a year away from a degree in
either.
Then an unusual illness struck (Probably a physical
manifestation of Anxiety/Depression caused by my undiagnosed ADHD brain, and an
environment which was not ADHD friendly) forcing me to abandon school and take
up a job.
I spent the next many years working in IT – Which allowed me
to occasionally build systems, which made people’s jobs easier, so… pretty good
fit for my mission statement.
During that time, I managed to return to the university and
complete a newer degree offering – Computer Engineering. I was well established
in my IT career at that point, so no drastic changes came from the degree.
My combination of IT and Engineering placed me in a unique
position to bridge the gap between our company’s IT and Automation Engineering
teams – teams which historically butt heads. I began to focus on a more recent
discipline – OT, or Operational Technology. OT has similarities to IT, but
priorities are changed to accommodate the unique requirements of systems which
interact with the physical environment. (for example: IT’s top priority is to
protect data – they will happily delay network traffic to inspect it for
malware, stolen intellectual property, etc… In the OT world, where we are
concerned about controlling a machine to prevent loss of product or worse, loss
of human life, this delay of traffic is unacceptable).
I have enjoyed this work. It is challenging, engaging,
technically interesting, and again, ticks both items in my long-standing
mission statement.
In recent years, I have made a slight modification to my
mission statement, as I have come to recognize more accurately what my passions
are. It is now a set of words:
Creation – whether woodworking, writing, gardening,
software coding, or machine building. I take great joy in making things.
Discovery – I love learning. My hobby has been
collecting hobbies.
Sharing – While as an INFJ/P personality, it doesn’t
necessarily come easily or naturally for me, I do enjoy learning from others,
and I enjoy teaching others the things I have learned.
Delight – I love to use my talents to make other
people’s lives easier, or more enjoyable. I am an obsessive problem solver,
especially technical problems, I have been known to latch onto a particularly
troublesome problem and work it all day, non-stop (another ADHD characteristic).
Relatedly, I am not a fan of conflict, and quite unconsciously seek ways to
resolve conflict, ideally with a win-win solution (again – INFP/J personality,
so this characteristic doesn’t always shine through, but it is deeply embedded
in me nonetheless).
My career has been reasonably well aligned with these,
though the corporate world has never been kind to my INFP/J – ADHD brain, and
therefore delight is an all too infrequent visitor, whose presence is
overshadowed by the nearly always present discouragement, despair and dejection
(perhaps my experience is not so unique, but if so, shouldn’t we—collectively—stop
doing what we are doing, and try something different?).
Recently I have come to the realization that authoring also
ticks all those boxes. I have greatly enjoyed it, even though at present, it
must occupy those few minutes when I am not buried in work-related things
(which my job has never, ever been even remotely close to a nine-to-five. I had
a couple of weeks under GE during which I worked in excess of 120 hours, to
keep the local business running).
However, while my corporate career has been devastating to
my physical and mental well-being, it has consistently kept my family housed
and fed. It has also helped compensate for the effects of the “ADHD Tax” (Just
recently learned that one- I can see it in play in my life. Perhaps I will
elaborate on that in a later post).
On the other hand, to date, I have invested roughly $6k on
my authoring efforts (ignoring my considerable time investment; that is actual
monetary investment in editing, publishing and advertising), and have seen just
over $100 return.
I realize a certain monetary and time investment is required
for any such venture, so it is what it is. The question of course is who much
do you invest? At what point should you cut your losses and “keep your day job”
so to speak?
Of course, I could find ways to cut costs, I could eliminate
editors, create my covers more cheaply, and learn the tools to publish
directly, but that introduces its own set of risks, with respect to quality of
the final product. (Besides, I am quite fond of the people I worked with, and I
want to continue to work with them and support their business as well).
And then there is the question: Do I actually have enough
material in me to make a viable run at authoring?
I have a few ideas floating around, which I have been
writing bits as they come to me, and which I believe could both become
multi-book series:
One is a pre-apocalyptic/conspiracy theory idea – which I
know I would have to be very careful in writing, as I want to use real events,
starting roughly two decades back to weave a tale of intrigue and deception, of
competing secret societies, shadow governments, and a battle to build utopia
amid a backdrop of chaos and corruption. This story would be one in which
Jessica and her friends would likely play a role. The tricky part will be heavy
incorporation of real events and people in “what-if” scenarios, in a way that
doesn’t expose me to defamation lawsuits. Not sure if just using different
names would be sufficient.
The other is a fantasy (with perhaps hints of sci-fi and
horror), set on a unique world, devasted by the wars of past deities and
sorcerers, filled with its own political intrigues and apocalyptic possibilities.
I have toyed with a bit of philosophy as well – have a fair
bit of material I thought to publish as “The Geeks Guide to Success”. And of
course, the series I am presently posting on “The Art of Reasoning” could
possibly be a candidate for publishing…
But, is there an audience of sufficient size, and can I find
them? Is such an endeavor practical at this point, while still finding time for
care and feeding of my (admittedly dwindling – kids grow up and move out…)
family?
I have been lurking in a few independent author chat groups,
and I see some success stories, but too often it seems those come by
compromising their values in order to appeal to the available audience (i.e. formulaic
writing vs. personal passion), or through reaching and attracting a large
audience through sheer charisma and charm. I lack the pretty face or adorable
accent for the latter, and I think the former would suck the joy out of it for
me.
There is also a strategy of building a base of subscribers,
and utilizing them as a resource ( patreon or similar ). I believe the idea is
to release regular newsletters to them, (what would I write), or provide early
access to content. I struggle with that. For myself, I want to read the whole
story – start to finish – getting an early peak at what may or may not be the
final story would take from that experience. But, maybe that is just me…
Much to consider…
For now, I have “Nicholas” with the editor, and I anticipate
publishing it before the end of this year. I will continue to write ideas for
my other stories as they come to me, and as time permits. And… we’ll see what
the next year brings I suppose…
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