Nicolas: A MissTaken Story

 This is my landing page for Nicolas: A MissTaken Story. 

Note: Contents are subject to change.

My author page on Amazon: https://amazon.com/author/ecphilips 

I also have an author page on Goodreads

MissTaken Landing Page (Where it all began).

Nicolas: A MissTaken Story

Preface (A note from the author)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3 

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6 - coming soon

27 Oct 2023 - Front cover design has been selected! Hope to have the final full cover soon! Looking like I will be able to publish in November. I should be able to add the cover to this page next week, when I upload chapter 6. 😀

12 Oct 2023 - Typesetting is complete. Hopefully the Cover will be my birthday present... 

6 Oct 2023 - Typesetting is in process now. :-)  Still no cover design :-(

29 Sep 2023 - The final proof is back in my hands! Aiming to get it ready for Typesetting by the middle of October. I am very anxious to see the first draft of the cover. Hopefully it will be ready soon.

15 Sep 2023 - My second book is nearly ready to publish! The manuscript is out for final proof and should be back in my hands at the end of this month or early next month. Cover design is in process, and hopefully the cover will be adorning this page next month. Looking promising to be published before the end of the year.

Capitalism vs Communism: A Different Perspective

 

Capitalism vs communism has been a long-standing point of contention for many decades. I wonder however, if the debate is not misdirected.

I think it best to begin with a bit of history.

The concept of capitalism is generally attributed to Adam Smith - a Scottish economist who published a series of books in the late 1770's, analyzing the nature and causes of the wealth of nations.

Adam Smith's Theory was that  - in the absence of war, resource deficits, or poor governing policies - human economics would evolve naturally through four stages:

1. Primitive hunting
2. Agricultural Nomads
3. Agricultural Feudalism
4. Commercial Interdependence.

The final stage being the 'utopian vision'. 

His observations supporting this were derived from the '14th century crisis'. A combination of wars and famine, followed by the Black Death, caused a severe population decline. This left the great feudal manors with a deficit of serfs to manage their lands. To overcome this, manors would offer increased wages to tenant farmers, to poach them from other manors or entice them from towns. (Note: This seems counter to Smith's model, as it was a combination of war and deficit which caused the transition from Feudalism to Commercial Interdependence.)

This model became the standard for 17th century economics. The key characteristic (lending to its name) was the idea that, rather than using accumulated wealth (capital) to build monuments (statues, cathedrals, pyramids, etc..), one would use that capital to improve the means of production, thereby raising the standard of living for all.

Smith believed this would occur and regulate naturally, according to our own "better natures". He specifically argued against civil intervention, as such government institutions tend to protect the rich to the detriment of the poor.

Smith did note one key flaw in the model; the potential for one, or a small group of individuals to accumulate a monopoly position. He opposed that, though it is not clear (to me at least), how he thought to control for that. Perhaps - relying on humans' "better natures" - he anticipated we would "naturally" choose to prevent the rise of monopoly powers.

Alas, he overlooked our silly ability to conflate disconnected themes - such as wealth and righteousness (which became a popular concept during the protestant reformation era and allowed 'pious' people to justify hoarding their wealth and ignoring the needy on the grounds that the needy were getting what they deserved for their unrighteous behaviors). He also had not considered in his equation, the industrial revolution, and the displacement of human labor by machines.

Communism was, in many ways, Karl Marx's response to these flaws in capitalism. Through the industrial revolution, he observed a consolidation of power into the hands of a few (The very thing Smith opposed), and the formation of a privileged class (The Bourgois).

Marx theorized the natural progression would then be a revolution, in which the increasingly dissatisfied Proletariat would overthrow this privileged class. He believed this would lead to an interim period (Socialism), during which an altruistic, intellectually elite group would assume control of the responsibility of government. They would redistribute the stolen wealth and restore a state of equity. 

Once a state of stability was achieved the interim organization would voluntarily relinquish power, and society would operate under the direction of the collective (Communism).

This model has been tried repeatedly, but always fails in the "Socialism" phase. It should be obvious, knowing what we know about human nature, that those willing to wield such authority, never willingly surrender it. But then somehow, we all believe we are exempt from that particular human characteristic. We uniquely, are truly enlightened, wise, and altruistic - unlike the many others before us. We would only wield such power until the masses have finally matured, and we would recognize this, and then we would happily step aside. We are not like everyone else...

But let's take a moment to consider these models under a different lens.

First, it is notable that those in the capitalist camp tend to treat communism and socialism as one thing. This - I believe - adds to the confusion. As such, let's consider them separately, as Marx described them. However, rather than diagram it according to Marx's timeline. I am going to render it thusly:

Starting on the right side of the image, those in the communist camp idealize it as a system under which all people have access to the means of production.

In simplistic, agrarian terms, everybody has an equal portion of equally good ground, on which they can plant, raise, and harvest food. And because we are 'nice' human beings, we help each other out, so when someone has a bad year, we share our abundance to help them get by until next year. Also, because we are 'fundamentally good', we don't take advantage of this system, to get other people to work for us while we laze about. We all work together, share together, lift together, rise together.

Capitalists object to this system because we aren't all decent human beings. Some will abuse the system, and they don't want to be forced to pay for someone else's laziness. This is where the conflation is a problem. This isn't communism they are describing; this is socialism. Communism (ideally) doesn't have a mechanism to force you to surrender your goods to aid someone else. People do that out of natural human kindness. Socialism is the system in which a few 'enlightened' individuals make the decisions for us, regarding how our resources are allocated. Not communism.

Moving to the left side, those in the capitalist camp idealize it as a system under which everyone has the capacity to produce value, according to their abilities and efforts, and will fare accordingly (this is really just another way of saying all people have access to the means of production. Our inherent good natures will allow us - through individual industriousness, and through the free exchange of goods and services - to all work together, share together, lift together, and rise together (sound similar to something I just defined?).

Capitalists do chafe at the idea that everybody gets an equal portion of equally good ground, because... well... that is impractical. You can only do that once without robbing somebody to give to the next generation. However, capitalists also hold the ideal (as Smith himself proclaimed), that better human nature - our rational self-interest if you will - will cause us to help out those who are struggling, and a degree of balance will occur naturally. They also believe capitalism is protected to some degree from the problem of people abusing the system; since charity is given by choice, those who try to get a free ride, will at some point be recognized as abusers, and will stop receiving charity, at which point they will of necessity return to a state of productivity.

Socialists and Communists both object to this system, as it means a small number of people amass the wealth and subjugate the masses. However, one should note - this scenario is one which Smith objected to. As such, it should be treated as a separate system from capitalism. Let's call it "corporatism".

Now, ignore for a minute, the rhetoric around the two; the (mis)conceptions regarding how you 'get there'. Just consider the most fundamental ideals of capitalism and communism. The grand utopian vision of each.

A system in which everyone has the means to produce wealth; in which everyone fares according to the effort they expend, and in which, through basic human kindness (charity), nobody is left to suffer unfairly. A system in which free exchange and cooperation allows us all to collectively rise.

The two systems, at the idealistic level, are fundamentally equivalent, and seek fundamentally the same outcome.

Both systems suffer from the same fundamental flaw - that is, they both depend on the manifestation of our better natures; the intentional extinction, or at the very least, suppression, of "Your Greatest Enemy".

Failing that, both systems inevitably degrade to a state in which a small number of individuals accumulate an inordinate amount of control over the means of production. On the left side, this occurs through unethical manipulation of the economic system (typically justified as being 'smart about business' and capitalizing on their advantages or opportunities. That or being blessed by God - divine providence). On the right side, it occurs through manipulation of the social system (typically justified as a response to the aforementioned abuses on the left side; an abuse of power to battle an abuse of power. That or divine or intellectual providence).

The end result on either side is the same, however. A small number of individuals acquire inordinate power and control over the fortunes, freedoms and destinies of the masses. They will claim it is necessary to protect the masses (who are perceived as inferior), but, since they are also human, and subject to the same human failings as the masses, they inevitably prioritize their own needs, according to their specific fears, flaws, and driving survival mechanisms.

So, the reality of these models, considered collectively, is this:

We organize ourselves around one of two ideals, which seem opposed due to our different perspectives, but are fundamentally equivalent. 

We oppose the other system, not based on its 'ideal', but rather on the state of inevitable oppression to which it degrades, due to our inherent, human natures.

The system we espouse degrades to its oppressive state, helped along in part by our own inherent natures. 

It is interesting to note, both sides of this equation can happen simultaneously. It is also notable, those who ascend to power on both sides often do so with our help, and admiration. We view them as the champions opposing the oppression on the other side, and out of fear, we accede to their oppression, to protect us from the others' oppression.

And while the two oppressors appear to be in contention with one another, when one considers our inherent natures, one should realize they have more in common with one another than they do with the masses who serve them. They therefore tend to ally with one another more often than they ally with their respective masses. But because of our highly manipulable natures through fear, uncertainty and doubt, we willingly sacrifice our own will to our respective oppressors, unable to perceive that we in fact have more in common with the 'opposing masses', than we do with our chosen oppressors. 

So, there we sit, pining for identical ideals, while fearing - and adoring identical oppressors. An absurd, foolish tragedy.

In conclusion, I believe "capitalism vs. communism" is a false flag, which leads to an artificial battle against an enemy who is not our enemy, in an alliance with those who are not our allies. It is a distraction; a diversion which enslaves us in a prison we manufacture through our fear of the worst nature in others, and our unwillingness to acknowledge that same nature in ourselves.

Just something to consider next time you take up arms in the social media-sphere.

Reasoning: Our Greatest Enemy

 (This post is part of series of posts, indexed here. It is recommended they be read collectively, and in order.)  

This post could, perhaps, be considered an addendum to the prior post, exploring the impact of your greatest enemy on the larger society.

Humans, even the introverts, are social animals. We need social connection. Complete social isolation has been shown to have significant negative impact on emotional well-being, and it even causes physical changes within the human brain. (See The Effects of Solitary Confinement on the Brain:  Psychology Today)

If you consider the human being from a purely physical design, it seems quite obvious we are intended to function within a social collective - a herd or pack if you will. We are quite poorly designed to survive in this - often harsh - world. Our exterior covering provides little protection from extremes in heat or cold. Our long, gangly, upright structure is less balanced, less durable than most other creatures in the animal kingdom. We have no claws, nor tusks to serve as offensive or defensive weapons, and our hide, when compared to most other creatures, is quite fragile.

For the first few years of our lives, we are utterly helpless. Without someone to care for us, we would die of starvation, or dehydration, or exposure.

Our survival depends heavily on our mental capacity, and our opposable thumbs; our ability to imagine, design, and construct tools and machines which compensate for our frail structure, and which allows us to re-shape our environment to suit us. 

Our capacity to do so collectively is truly the secret to our success. We collaborate to create systems far more complex and sophisticated than any one person could ever hope to achieve in a lifetime.

You may readily note the presence of our fundamental survival mechanisms within this:

1. Seek Pleasure
2. Avoid Pain
3. Conserve Energy

Our homes, vehicles, electronic gadgets … All designed for the purpose of increasing our comfort (or decreasing our discomfort if you prefer) and reducing the effort we must personally exert.  We can now plant and harvest crops largely from the comfort of an air-conditioned machine. We can travel thousands of miles in less than a day. We have become so efficient in meeting our basic survival needs, there are now entire industries, employing millions of people, devoted entirely to entertainment and leisure.

However, much like the above mechanisms, our fundamental social characteristics can be subverted.

Survival dictates we avoid potential dangers, and seek out potential  allies. But how does one identify potential dangers? In simplest terms, "Different is dangerous." and "same is safe."

But what is "same" and what is "different"?

Skin color, hair color, language, accent ...  Outward characteristics are perhaps the most immediately available to us. 

If you have ever traveled to a foreign country or even a distant city, perhaps you've had a chance encounter with someone who was from your own region, and experienced that moment of connection with them, even though personally, you know them no better than any of the strangers surrounding you. The similarity in speech, clothing style, accent... whatever it may be, is more familiar, and so you experience an immediate rapport.

Conversely, have you ever witnessed a baby's first encounter with a father after he shaved a full beard? The very sudden, very dramatic change in appearance generally leads to tears. Daddy must reestablish his rapport with his child, as he has reverted to 'stranger'.

We gravitate toward that which we deem similar, and away from that which we perceive as 'different'. However, since the function of this behavior is tied to the need for protection against danger (real or perceived), The characteristics which are prioritized for similarity are often altered by our fears. Instead of seeking the 'greater of two goods', we will instead default to the 'lesser of two evils'. We will align with the obvious 'enemy of our enemy', over a potentially neutral friend.

Furthermore, since our own opinions are quite mutable (despite our claims to the contrary), once we have aligned with a group, we will tend to adopt the group tenets ('groupthink', or the 'echo-chamber' phenomenon as they are often called; this, coupled with our tenuous grasp of 'truth', can shape our entire culture, to the point of creating false realities). And once again, as this is a survival mechanism, fear tends to hold greater sway in the preferential weighting of these tenets. We huddle together, and chitter fearfully, or angrily at the perceived threats without.

An extreme example of the effects of this can be seen in the Rwandan genocide, as Hutu people slaughtered neighbors; not just the Tutsi, but also Hutus who held moderate views in regards to the Hutu - Tutsi conflict ('if you are not for us, you are against us').

Another example worth consideration is the Soviet campaign to eliminate the kulaks - essentially peasant farmers who, despite their generally poor-to-middle-class state, were considered enemies to the 'collective', due to their land ownership. The kulaks were imprisoned or murdered, their livestock were destroyed, and their crops were ruined. The result of this ill-conceived action was a famine which killed over five million people.

Fundamentally, this is what is really happening 'under the hood' of what we call 'racisim' or 'sexism' or 'ageism'... It is the underlying mechanism defining discrimination against members of a different religion, or a political party, against blonds or redheads, or blue eyes vs brown eyes.

We layer all kinds of nonsensical and complex concepts on top of this, to attempt to explain or describe this behavior (unconscious bias, privilege, etc...), but it really is not so complicated as that. It is simply a survival mechanism that we are failing to properly manage. 

A second key characteristic of our social nature is that of hierarchy. In point of fact, "...all men are..." NOT "...created equal...". Our genetic differences predispose us to excel in certain capacities and underperform in others. Our own personal interest in, and investment of time to study and practice a particular skill further widens the gap. This ability to specialize is fundamental to our extraordinary success as a species.  One masterful farmer, using advanced tools created by a skilled craftsman can feed a village, freeing others to construct more comfortable homes and more efficient tools, to innovate and invent better fabrics, indoor plumbing, electric lights, heating and cooling, computers, transportation … It is all possible due to our hierarchical nature.

This particular characteristic is impacted by a couple of the fundamental survival mechanisms.

First, our directive to conserve energy will oft time lead us to surrender authority to those we perceive as more capable (even in some instances when they aren't). This can be observed in the 1960's Milgram experiment. Its effect likely played a role in the death of Kitty Genovese, who was attacked twice, over the span of one half hour, with witnesses having observed the first attack.

Second, our directive to avoid pain, even injury to our ego may lead us to fight unreasonably against those more competent than us (seemingly in contradiction to the directive to conserve energy). This perhaps explains why organizations, such as Twitter, Google, etc... often censor degreed, credible doctors and scientists whose dissenting opinions don't align the current consensus on certain topics. One specific example is a doctor who creates YouTube videos, reviewing data relating to covid. The entirety of many of these videos is him reviewing and highlighting data from published studies, some of which he pulled directly from the CDC and WHO websites. Yet staff from YouTube (who are not doctors, nor scientists) flags each of these videos with a warning that the information is suspect, and then provides a link to a (out of date) CDC web page where you can "get the facts".

Surrounding all of this is the issue of scale. As our population density grows, we find ourselves connecting to, and shifting between an increasing number of herds. The differences and similarities which bind or divide us become increasingly subtle, and increasingly strong.

This issue of scale also introduces the challenges of anonymity, which frequently impacts both how we perceive others, and how we behave.

When we encounter someone we know nothing about, our natural survival instincts will make snap judgments, based on our past experiences (and associated cognitive biases) based on external factors, to determine whether an individual is a pack member, or a threat. Such cursory evaluations of complex creatures like ourselves are rarely accurate. Curiously, while we usually acknowledge that complexity in ourselves, and those to whom we have established close relationships, we fail to acknowledge it in the anonymous. We dehumanize them. And - being "less than human" - we feel no compunction to treat them according to our established social mores.

The opposite circumstance has a curious effect as well. When we are in a state of anonymity - that is when we are not surrounded by members of one of our many herds, we often behave differently. Our herd tends to act as a social conscience, keeping our natural, instinctual, and sometimes vile natures in check. In their absence, we may behave in ways we otherwise would not. The effects of this are frequently visible in social media chat forums.

So, we can be monstrous when we are not surrounded by our flock, and we can be collectively monstrous when we are caught up in the effects of groupthink with our flock.

When one considers in combination with these, the previously mentioned characteristics:

1. We view the world not from a position of truth, but from a perceived perspective, through the lens of our unique paradigm.
2. Our brain lies to us
3. We construct models, based on narratives, which we therefore accept as 'reality'

One can perhaps recognize the potential for disaster on a grand scale. Our own perception of potential threats tends to be adopted by those within the flock who view us as hierarchically 'competent' - a sort of social contagion, which infects the minds of the collective. These perceived, or imagined characteristics become codified by the collective. They become the truth, regardless of any evidence to the contrary. With scale, the overwhelming volume of data and the inherent anonymity can lead to a point where a critical mass is reached. We can observe the creation of a mass illusion, which - due to the individual need to preserve ego - the flock will aggressively protect. Illusion then becomes - for all practical purposes - reality, and the flock experiences mass psychosis, mass hysteria, with all the potential devastation inherent in a stampede of sophisticated, yet deluded creatures. 

It is here, at this point of mass surrender to 'the natural man', that we observe seemingly rational, morally principled people engage in heinous, unspeakable acts of violence and denigration; subjugation, enslavement, mass murder, genocide. Neighbor against neighbor, and brother against brother. Our capacity for creation balanced by an equal capacity for destruction.

These last two posts may seem quite frightening, disheartening. That is not my intent. 

For, stating the last conversely; our capacity for destruction is balanced by an equal capacity for creation. 

I believe as we come to recognize and acknowledge that within each of us, individually, is this duality - that we contain within ourselves both the seeds of a Mother Theresa and a Mao Zedong, that we are equal parts Ghandi  and Hitler... as we acknowledge this, then we can recognize the circumstances which enable our darker side, and then devise mechanisms to constrain that probability. We can, through the Art of Reasoning, cast aside the illusions, subdue our 'natural man'. And enable our individual, greater selves to ascend. 

A Post for Mental Health Awareness Month

 2 June 2023 Edit - I said I wasn't going to edit this, but I realized I neglected to mention a number of useful tips. I added them to the bottom of the list of tips (Cold Showers, Breath Work, Meditation, Nature & Grounding). I also added links to the songs I listed, to at least make that part more ADHD friendly.

As Mental health awareness month winds down. I once again consider writing and posting a blog about my  own experience with that. I am mortified at the thought of sharing such details. However, over the years, I have read posts, or seen videos which other courageous people have made, which have been of benefit to me, so I find myself weighing my fear of what other's might think of me, against the potential benefit some might derive.

This will be relatively free-form, and I will do very little editing or rearranging, in hopes of capturing the thought process - the way my brain works. So, it may jump a bit, or feel disjointed.

Also, as a warning- the topic of suicide will be addressed. If you are uncomfortable with that, you may want to give this a pass.

First, about me: I am at present diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type.

That is a rather stupid name for a diagnosis, and rather problematic for a number of reasons.

AD= Attention Deficit. (Plus Inattentive type; they used to separate ADD and ADHD, now they lump them together and then add "Inattentive", or "Hyperactive" or "Both" as a type. And "Inattentive" is even worse). It suggests I can't pay attention, this is inaccurate. Sometimes I go beyond paying attention to hyper-focus. At other times, I am paying attention to too many things at once. The problem is I can't always control it. 

Many also describe it (accurately, I think) as people with ADHD having fewer "slots" in which to hold things which need focused attention at the same time. So, we have to swap things in and out of working memory more often, and we experience decision fatigue more rapidly.

H= Hyperactive. I'm not hyperactive. Sure, they added the types to distinguish. But the H is still there, in the back of everyone's mind (This is part of why girls with ADHD often go undiagnosed. They don't present with hyperactivity, and they often do well in school, so nobody sees it as ADHD. They therefore often end up with the wrong diagnosis and the wrong treatment).

D= Disorder. With roughly 10% of the population having it, is it fair to call it a disorder? Actually this is starting to shift somewhat. They are beginning to refer to it as a "Socially induced disorder" meaning it is only a disorder because we have created a social and cultural structure in which those with this particular set of characteristics tend not to thrive - a discrimination of sorts. 

Some are now throwing around the term "Neurodiverse". Instead of ADHD. Not sure that is really the right approach either, that is a generic and ultimately meaningless, non-descriptive term.

I have seen some speculation that  the ADHD characteristics were present in the hunters, gatherers, and protectors in early tribes. That seems sensible. Many of the ADHD characteristic would support that role well.

There has also been speculation that ADHD falls  on the autism spectrum. Certainly there are some overlapping characteristics, and the two are frequently comorbid.

It is also noted that Anxiety, Depression, and Addiction are frequent comorbidities with ADHD. I've dealt with all of those.  Technically, I probably don't qualify for an official addiction diagnosis; just a compulsion, as it hasn't disrupted my ability to keep a job, or maintain (within reason), relationships, though it certainly has had an impact on them. 

I suspect that rather than being comorbid, the anxiety and depression were/are secondary "infections" caused by untreated ADHD.

I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was over forty. I was put on my first anti-depressant in high school. It didn't do anything. I've been on nearly every anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication ever made, with varying unpleasant side-effects, and few to no benefits; no lasting benefits at all. 

I actually diagnosed myself with ADHD, and had to convince the doctor of it. Adderall definitely helped me. The generics seem less effective. Lately it has been hard to get either, due to a shortage. I went a couple months without, as nobody had it in my (lower than typical) dosage.

That is tough too; Being treated like a burgeoning criminal all the time. Adderall is heavily abused, so the default assumption is you are potentially an abuser. You can't get a refill prescription for Adderall, you have to request a new prescription every single month (you have to remember to do that every month, which isn't very ADHD friendly...)

I know that the overall effect looks different for everyone, but here are some of the things I have observed in myself, in no particular order:

I love languages and accents. I always try to guess where someone is from when I hear them speak, and when I listen to people with accents speaking, my jaw gets tired from the micromovements in my jaw as I subconsciously mimic them.

At the same time, I barely manage to comprehend English - which is the only language I actually speak. As a teenager, I developed the habit of saying "what?" any time someone asked me something. I didn't actually need them to repeat what they said, I just needed a few extra seconds to process the words they had said in order to comprehend the meaning, and formulate an appropriate response. I am a little better at it now, but only a little.

When I was in first grade, our school class took a tour of the local bank. As the bank manager was showing us all the  different security systems, I was working out how to circumvent those mechanisms. Not because I had designs on robbing a bank, but because it was a puzzle to solve.

When I am in a waiting room, or any room really, I look for patterns in the floor or ceiling tiles (or the curtains or...). And then I look for patterns in the patterns.

In fifth grade someone introduced me to solitaire, I became obsessed with it, but since I couldn't afford a deck of cards, I cut out squares of paper and drew my own deck of cards. My teacher caught me with the cards and yelled at me for having made them. She felt I was wasting my talents. 

Oh that reminds me; once in first grade, during story time, the kid sitting in front of me yelled at me to stop kicking him, and the teacher lifted me up by my hair, shook me and yelled at me. I was engrossed in the story, and completely unaware that my foot was swinging and bumping into him. That was a rather traumatic experience.

When I am working on projects, I will set a tool down to go take care of something else, then come back and spend the next twenty or so minutes trying to find the tool I set down. If you read the Book of Mormon, you might be familiar with Ether Chapter 14, verse 1:

```

1 And now there began to be a great curse upon all the land because of the iniquity of the people, in which, if a man should lay his tool or his sword upon his shelf, or upon the place whither he would keep it, behold, upon the morrow, he could not find it, so great was the curse upon the land.

```

Yep, that's my curse, almost every day.

I have no concept of time. They call it "time-blindness". How long will something take? I have no idea. What day is it? Don't know. I forgot my own birthday one year not too long ago.

Same goes for distance. How long is that stick? How tall is that tree? If I give you an estimate, be warned; it is a guess, and quite likely not at all accurate (Probably within +/- 50%...).

I currently have 60 tabs open on my web browser. Several technical how-to's, a few charts and strategies for keeping your home clean, a few philosophical essays on various economic systems (capitalism, communism... Working on a blog post - a new take on that topic.)

My brain is nearly always running full speed. Nearly anything I get involved in, I will see a few dozen ways it can go wrong. This can be a good thing, in that I am pretty good at risk mitigation. It can also be a bad thing, when anxiety kicks in and shuts me down. Also, while I may see a dozen rather obscure things, I may at the same time overlook something quite obvious.

When faced with a problem I can often see dozens of solutions. Again, good and bad. I can present many alternatives, so if one doesn't work, another is ready to go. On the other hand, I can get shut down by analysis paralysis, going round and round in my head trying to find the best solution, when there rarely is a "best" one.

I often struggle with sensory overload. If someone is talking to me in a crowded room, and someone else is having a conversation within earshot, or if there is music playing or a show on the TV, my brain will usually try to hear both (or all) conversations, and therefore I will comprehend neither. 

When I received my ADHD diagnosis, the doctor gave me a handout, then started to explain something to me. I don't know what, however, because have gave me a handout, and I started looking at it, so my brain did not process the words he was saying (I suppose that was a dead giveaway).

I am often compulsive about finishing things. When I go for a hike on a new trail, it is extremely hard for me to turn around at any point, because I need to see what is around the next corner, or over the next hill. As in, it causes physical pain for me to not.

In College, a friend loaned me a video game once on a Friday afternoon - a game with a well developed story line. I started playing Friday evening. I finished the game Sunday morning. I only took breaks to go to the bathroom. I didn't eat or sleep the entire time. I was so completely hyper-focused on the story, nothing else existed.

I have frequently skipped/missed meals while working on projects (personal or work). I can have a water bottle sitting on my desk, and still go the whole day without taking a drink of water. Self-care is a real and serious issue. I have even tried using alarms, but when the alarm goes off, I will silence it, and finish what I am currently working on first - it will only take a couple minutes (remember that time-blindness?), and I don't want to interrupt my train of thought.

I have a weird relationship with people in general. I like people, I care about people. I want to know how they are doing, and what they are doing, but I am hopeless when it comes to carrying a conversation. My mind goes blank. I don't know what to ask or say.  So, I end up standing awkwardly, until we're both uncomfortable. Also, when I see someone, I will absolutely know who they are, but for the life of me I can't recall their name. It is dreadfully embarrassing.

I am an inherent people pleaser. Perhaps it goes farther than that. I need people to like me, to think highly of me (which is likely the main reason It terrifies me to post this). When I am around a person, my personality, my language and mannerisms tend to shift, mirroring their own somewhat. On the up side, this has made it easy for me to connect with a very diverse range of people, and even be the go-between for groups that have historically not gotten along. On the downside if there is a large diverse group...  Imagine a chameleon standing near a disco ball. It's exhausting. Also, since I subconsciously try to be what people  want me to be, I find I am not entirely sure who I really am.

This also makes therapy difficult. On a subconscious level, I respond to the therapist in the way I believe they want me to respond. And I don't want them to feel bad, so I will superficially improve in order to give them a sense of a successful outcome.

I am terrible at saying 'no', so I often take on more than I can manage, or keep track of. But when I write it all down, the list is so large it overwhelms me. That is a general challenge with big projects. If I don't write down granular enough steps, I will have trouble getting started, but if I see all the steps together, I can become overwhelmed and shut down. But at the same time, I really want to see all of the steps, to visualize the entire process, and see the big picture...

I also tend to take on too much, because I don't like doing nothing, so if I am stuck in a moment where my other projects are paused (or next steps have slipped my mind), I will pick something else up to fill that time. And since I suck at time comprehension, I frequently take on more than will reasonably fit in my schedule (And yes, I have tried a whole slew of calendering and productivity systems to no avail. Bullet Journaling is working better than most...)

Finances are a nightmare for me. I try to create and use budgets, but if an urgency or a great idea strikes me, or someone is in need of a few dollars to help solve a problem... I can't recall the budget, but I am pretty sure there was enough money... (no, there wasn't).

There's this thing called the ADHD tax, and I can attest it is real. I have paid tons in late fees over the years, not because I didn't have the money. I just lost track of the deadline. The worst one however was just a few years ago. Our company was sold to another company in March. The name on the paycheck didn't change however. Come tax time, and the second company sent a W-2 (Salary for Mid-March to end of the year). Somewhere in the back of my mind, I briefly had the thought, "hmm that seems a little low. Oh well, I must have misremembered my salary." The first company never sent a W-2. They expected us to get it from their website. But that didn't occur to me. And if they sent a notice, I either missed it, or it came early enough that I forgot. They did however send it to the IRS, who then hit me with a hefty fine plus interest, for not paying the appropriate amount of tax.

So, yeah, I could probably make a million dollars a year and still look poor on paper.

I despise conflict, even though I often take the contrary voice in conversations, due to my tendency to see all sides of a thing, and a tendency to stick up for the underdog. The world has a great deal of conflict. There are many bullies, and that too often becomes too much for me to bear.

I don't really enjoy sarcasm either, even though I have often used it (that whole chameleon thing, I suspect). The world is full of that as well. And It leaves me feeling sick inside.

I so often feel I am right on the verge of disaster - financial, or social or career most typically. Try as I might, I can't seem too keep it in balance, one or more of the many spinning plates gets dropped. I feel like I am an imposter, living in a world in which I don't belong, living a life I don't deserve. 

It is an interesting observation; I believe in an afterlife. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ, and in the atonement.. I met an old man while I was serving a mission for my church; he was an alcoholic who had been to prison twice for murder. I have absolute confidence the atonement of Jesus Christ will wash his sins away, that he will be made whole and clean one day. Yet somehow, I am unable to believe or accept that it applies to me- That there is a place in God's grand plan... for me. It sounds absurd saying it. I can't begin to wrap my head around why my brain thinks that way, why I am unable to 'fix' that ridiculous incongruency.

Suicide ideation has been a long-term factor in my life. The first time I recall, I was a teenager. The world is hard. And I often feel alone, even when in a crowd. I don't know if that is common to ADHD brain types (or Introverts, which I also am). But I have on many occasions wanted to be done to be free of pain and despair (much of which I acknowledge I manufacture).

I am confident It is not all genetic. I was exposed to pornography ( a particularly violent sort) when I was seven or eight years old, so I really don't recall what it is like to live without addiction/compulsion. The impact of that material on my young, impressionable brain was to build automatic, subconscious, Pavlovian responses to things that most people hardly give a second thought to. I have to constantly be on guard, managing my thoughts. And triggering material is everywhere. I compare it to if you were an alcoholic, and everywhere you went, people were running around with super-soakers filled with bourbon, shooting you in the face. There is rarely a reprieve or escape from it. It is a very real, albeit perhaps nonphysical pain, ever-present. Sometimes, you just want the pain to stop, but it never does.

I was molested at age twelve; at a scout camp. I had a fever of 106 F at the time, and he (a camp leader, not one of my leaders) was taking care of me. It was subtle; I recall feeling uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. It wasn't until ten years later, when I recognized his name in a newspaper article about his arrest for similar behavior that I really connected the dots. I don't know how much this event affected me - I'm inclined to think not much, where it took me that long to even recognize the event for what it was, but who knows; perhaps as some subconscious level that has aggravated my other difficulties. 

My advice to parents - make sure your children understand they should never be alone with another adult (I don't think that was policy back then, or if it was it was not enforced. Requiring adults to follow the "buddy system" serves as strong protection for all involved.) Even it if is an adult you trust, or know to be a good person.

Yes I said a good person. I hold no ill will toward the individual who harmed me, and I do think he was - by and large - a good person with mostly good intentions. I don't know know his past or what demons he's faced. I don't excuse his actions. and I do believe he needs to be held accountable - I hope he got whatever help he needed to resolve his challenges. But before you judge him, consider the degree to which we allow our children's lives to be permeated with media and messages - both overtly and covertly - of a sexual nature, at ages when their brains are not sufficiently developed to cope with or properly process such complex and sophisticated ideas and emotions. If he is a monster, then he is one we created.

So yes, on many occasions in my life, I have had to battle with that particular demon, and I suppose right now would be an ideal time to share how I've done it. I can think of nothing that would be of more use to someone who is struggling right now with thoughts of giving up, and prematurely ending their life.

But I must admit I don't know precisely. 

Partly, I succeed (ironically) through a fear of failure ("With my luck I'll botch the attempt and make my situation worse"). Partly I am fortunate to have a wonderful family (both immediate and extended), and I dread the thought of causing them pain. Partly, I try to practice resilience. I tell myself to hang on for just one more day. Things are bound to get better soon (sometimes It feels like a very empty promise, but... that combined with a tendency to procrastinate... sometimes that's enough to get you through). Much of that you may or may not have at your disposal, or may be beyond your reach to control, but at least you can know - and perhaps take some comfort in knowing - you are not alone.

There are a few things I have found that help:

Routine: A solid morning routine - when I am able to maintain it - is... soothing? comforting? anchoring? Helpful and any rate. I don't recommend creating and trying to follow an elaborate routine from the get-go. Start with one or two things - get up at the same time every morning, drink a glass of water, and brush your teeth. Once you have that down, add more things, slowly, and one at a time, exercise, a healthy breakfast. A similar evening routine is also valuable; even harder to establish - always something to interfere...

Exercise: Physical exercise has tremendous value. Some studies indicate that 20-30 minutes of zone 2 cardio is as effective - or more so - than any anti-depressant. It is a bit tricky to start - hard to find the motivation, but if you can build that into your routine, you will derive considerable benefit.

Morning and evening sunlight: ten to fifteen minutes of exposure to the sun early in the morning, and again in the afternoon has been found to be very beneficial for mood and circadian regulation.

Supplements: There are some supplements which are helpful as well. Fish Oil has been shown in several studies to help with PTSD and Anxiety. Talk to your Doctor to check on possible interactions, and find a reputable source (I've been using Thorne, which I discovered through the Andrew Huberman podcast - he is a good source of science-based information.). I've also found brewed Cacao helpful. It is similar to Coffee in how it is made, but with cacao beans instead. It has much less caffeine, so you don't get the caffeine 'high' and crash effect. It has Theobromine, which is a mild stimulant which works for a longer period. It is a vaso-dilator (vs Coffee is a vaso-constrictor), so improves blood flow, and has several other health benefits.

Music: Music has a number of benefits. For people with ADHD in particular, there are certain types of music which are especially helpful.  The specific structure of certain classical music styles (Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach...) has been shown to help improve Focus. Similar benefits have been found with some electronic music, which uses similar musical structure - complex, intricate rhythms, with repeating, progressive, melodic themes. Positive Lyrics can serve as affirmations - reinforced by the power of music to help embed those thoughts in your mind - which can provide further benefit.

Here are a few I have found particularly beneficial (you should be able to search them on youtube):

Brandenburg Concerto No 3. - J.S. Bach

Symphony #40 in G Minor - Mozart

01 Concerto in D Major FI No. 138 Allegro - Vivaldi

Fly with me - The Fat Rat

Carry You - Ruelle

Climb - Adona

Rise - Caroline Jones

Linked - Jim Yosef

Stand by You - Rachel Platten

In your Eyes - Robin Schulz (feat. Alida)

Walk Thru Fire - Vicetone

Hold on for a Miracle - Svircina

I am the Storm - Ad Infinitum (This is rather aggressive - Swedish Death Metal - so may have limited appeal. I have found the message to be very uplifting however. And variety has its own benefit.)

Speaking of affirmations: those are also good to have. Personal values and goals as well. Write them down, keep them where you can see them frequently throughout the day. Having your purpose firmly fixed in your mind can carry you through many difficulties.

Cold Showers: I saw a video (which I can't find now) a few years ago, listing a number of benefits for cold showers (Boost Dopamine production, improves skin health, lowers your power/gas bill...). This narrative video by Jonna Jinton is really the one which pushed me to try it. It is really quite helpful. You shouldn't do the Ice bath without supervision; people have passed out and drowned doing that. But the cold shower is generally available to anyone. Go as cold as you can possibly stand it. 25 C (77 F) is considered room temp, and it feels quite cold, and even that has benefit. 20 C (68 F) is considerably more effective. I think beyond the biological benefits, there is also a psychological benefit to doing this in the morning. Doing something hard first thing gives you a confidence boost, sets you up for success. I wouldn't recommend doing it daily; maybe two or three times a week. That will help maintain a novelty factor for your brain, and prevent it from adapting and compensating.

Breath Work: There are breathing exercises which are also very beneficial, This Wim Hof Technique is particularly helpful. The "Whisky, Water and Coffee" techniques are also useful.

Meditation: It can be difficult to find the time for this, but a good meditation practice can be very helpful. It can help develop better control over your brain- the thoughts that ramble around in there. There are several types of mediation techniques which work; Mindfulness meditation (also referred to as sensory awareness meditation), Yoga Nidra, Labyrinth Walking.

Nature & Grounding: There really is something to connecting with the natural world, which is very emotionally healing, grounding. Just going for a walk in the woods can make a huge difference. If you can, spend five or ten minutes barefoot on the grass or dirt. This one sounds a bit silly perhaps, but there are legitimate studies showing real benefits.

A few recommendations for those who wish to help those who are struggling:

Don't try and guilt them (i.e. "Think of the people you will hurt if you take your life..."). Believe me, they are doing plenty of guilting already. The last thing they need is for you to pile on more. If they open up to you about suicidal thoughts, Thank them for trusting you, and for being courageous enough to speak to you about such a difficult topic. Encourage them to seek out professional help, or other trained resources.

Don't become invested. Remember the saying about the oxygen masks in airplanes (Put your own mask on first) - you can't help them if you can't breath yourself. Invite them to come to the light with you, don't chase after them in the darkness.

Don't push pharmaceuticals as the fix. Yes, they have their place, but they aren't a magical cure for most. One of the big problems people in these circumstances face is there is a misconception that they just need to find the right drug and poof, everything will be all better and they will live happily ever after. The pills often don't work, or work for a period before the body adjusts to them and nullifies their positive effects. They often come with side effects, which outweigh the benefits. A Therapist or a good life coach would probably be of far greater benefit, and certainly SHOULD be a component of the whole treatment plan. Unfortunately, it is hard to find one who is "the right fit". Also insurance rarely covers that cost.

Don't tell them to "just choose to be happy" or "change their mindset", a blind person can't "just see", a quadriplegic can't "just walk", whether a learned behavior, or an actual physical defect in the functioning of their brain, they can't just flip a switch and be better. In some cases, they might never be "better" in this life. Learning to cope, and finding the tools to allow them to function might need to be the goal. Baby steps.  Encourage them, push them (kindly), but recognize it is a process, and there may be hard limits which will need to be worked around rather than eliminated or ignored.

Don't absolve them of responsibility, or cater to their misconceptions or misperceptions. It isn't helpful to support their illusions, or to allow them to pursue escapism. Reality  is reality, and they need to face that, even if it is difficult. You can do this kindly, of course. You can even offer to help clean up the mess, but they must first accept that there is a mess, and that it needs to be cleaned up.

Just as someone who was born without a limb has a lifelong struggle, so often do those with mental  health challenges. For physical challenges, we often make efforts to adjust our world to compensate for their "deficiency" - wheelchairs, handicapped parking spaces, ramps, automatic doors... Why not give thought to the things in our environment which impede their progress, or make things harder for them? I don't know precisely what that might look like, and I don't suggest looking to government to legislate a solution (they will most certainly get it wrong). But perhaps, as a community, we can be more thoughtful, kinder...

This post is not very ADHD friendly, so I'm not off to a great start on that last bit - sorry. TO be fair ADHD is not the only challenge I have addressed, though it is perhaps a key component or contributor of much of the rest. But hopefully, if you managed to get through this, you have been able to derive some value, or find some hope.

Reasoning: your Greatest Enemy

 

 (This post is part of series of posts, indexed here. It is recommended they be read collectively, and in order.)  

"For the natural man is an enemy to God..." 

    - Mosiah 3:19  (Book of Mormon)

This statement is remarkably profound, in light of what we know about the human machine. Though he is as much our enemy as God's

Perhaps you already concluded that the enemy would be you, based on comments from earlier posts, most notably The Liar Within.

However, that we lie to ourselves, that we distort our own perception of reality, barely scratches the surface of the threat you pose to yourself.

In the previous post, we considered some of the fundamental mechanisms of the human machine; the underpinning, biological programming which serves to keep us alive, both individually and as a species.

1. Seek Pleasure

2. Avoid Pain

3. Conserve Energy

Our bodies have fascinating mechanisms to drive these priorities. through the regulation of a variety of chemicals - Dopamine, Serotonin, Adrenaline, etc...

A few examples:

-----

- You are walking though the jungle (or a grocery store, for a less primitive example), and you see a potential food source. Your body releases a bit of dopamine, to motivate you to pursue/hunt that bit of food. The more promising the food source appears to you, the larger that hit of dopamine. Then your body utilizes mechanisms to create an equal and opposing reaction, putting you in a state of... pain... So now not only do you desire the object, you must have the object in order to remove the pain.  (priorities one and two at essentially the same time.)

- You are again walking through the Jungle. you are hungry, and you see a piece of fruit. However, it  looks rotten, and is in a spot which will be difficult to get to. Your body depletes the the levels of certain chemicals (Dopamine, Serotonin...). In your system. Creating a mood which, in extreme levels, we call depression. This reduces your motivation to pursue the object, even though you are hungry, and you continue on your way (yes, depression does in fact serve a practical purpose, in appropriate levels and under appropriate circumstances).

- You see a strange animal, one which you have never seen before. It has large claws, and enormous, fang-like teeth. Although you don't recognize this animal, you do recognize those features from other animals you have seen, and which you know to be dangerous. Your brain automatically categorizes this creature as a potential threat, and alters various chemicals to place you in a state of heightened awareness (we often call it anxiety), prepared for a fight/flight/freeze response.

----

These systems are quite amazing. They work well to keep us alive, driving us toward that which is necessary for our survival, and away from potential danger.

However, these systems can be hijacked. They can 'misfire', and can ultimately work contrary to their intended purpose.

In  1954, James Olds and Peter Milner discovered if they wired a button to the pleasure center in a rat's brain, the rat would push the button repeatedly, ignoring opportunities for food or mating. They would push the button until they collapsed from exhaustion. They would prefer the button to the point of starvation. 

(Positive reinforcement produced by electrical stimulation of septal area and other regions of rat brain. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1955-06866-001)

Conversely, scientists discovered that by disconnecting the dopaminergic mechanism in a rat's brain, the rat would lay about lethargically, ignoring opportunities to mate or eat. It wouldn't exert the effort to eat food placed directly in front of it, and would ultimately starve to death.

(Feeding behavior in dopamine-deficient mice - PMC https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC18425/)

Yet another study observed rats ignoring other foods - and even cocaine - in favor of the filling of Oreo cookies. The high, sugar, high fat content appeals to priorities one and three - high levels of tasty calories with little expended effort. (Sadly, the mechanism is a trifle weak when it comes to identifying key nutrients which are needed, in addition to the calories).

(2013 · Connecticut College News https://www.conncoll.edu/news/news-archive/2013/student-faculty-research-suggests-oreos-can-be-compared-to-drugs-of-abuse-in-lab-rats.html)

For a system so important to our survival, it is surprisingly unsophisticated.

For instance, the chemical signature in our bodies for the experience of fear is nearly identical to that of excitement. We often can't distinguish clearly the difference between physical attraction and a threat to our life (this was the subject of an experiment in 1974 performed by Don Dutton and Arthur Aaron at the Capilano Suspension Bridge.) 

(https://www2.psych.ubc.ca/~schaller/308Readings/GeorgiaStraight2011.pdf)

Additionally, these systems treat a threat to your ego as equal in order of magnitude to a threat to your physical well-being. Your body's response to the threat of losing an argument, and the threat of being stabbed can be indistinguishable. If you have selected a particular position on a topic, or a method of accomplishing a certain task, your brain will literally fabricate logical-sounding justifications to support your position, and will discard sound evidence to the contrary. It will work to support and defend your decision to the point of irrationality.

The very system meant to keep you alive - to keep your entire species alive - can (intentionally or unintentionally) be subverted, leading to addiction, compulsion, unbounded anxiety or depression, irrational prejudice... It can drive us to neglect or even harm ourselves.

But not just ourselves; our friends, neighbors, loved ones, even our own offspring. The most dangerous enemy we face - and the most difficult enemy to conquer. Is ourself. It is an ever present enemy, always lurking just below the surface, ready to strike. All it needs is for you to be distracted, overwhelmed, or inattentive, and it will assume control.

This is why mastering the art of reasoning is so critical. It is the one tool we have in our arsenal capable of subduing this inner enemy.

Journal Entry 22 May 2023

 A random journal entry, which after some deliberation, I have decided to share publicly...

I have recently found myself spending considerable time reflecting; trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, among other things. I suppose fifty-three is a reasonable age for such thoughts.

 For decades now, I have had as my life’s mission to “Build toys and make people happy.”

I was never specific about what those toys were. Nor did I exclude useful tools from that classification. And “Make people happy” can range from simply delighting or entertaining, to improving quality of life.

The first career choice I remember having as a child was “Space explorer”, (like Buck Rogers), or some sort of “Rescue Hero” (A-Team, Knight Rider, The Bionic Man…)

I have been told that prior to those, I had designs of being a wealthy farmer, though I abandoned that when I was told that I should serve a mission first, and that would put me over 20 years old which, I considered “Over the hill” at that time.

Somewhere in elementary school, I vacillated between an array of options in the entertainment industry; actor, dancer, musician… I believe this was driven by a desire for fame – a need to be admired, adored. Also, I had the chance to interact a few people who were amateurs or low-level professionals, and they were all very admirable people; kind, happy, pleasant, likeable… I wanted to emulate them.

In high school, spurred perhaps by Air-wolf and The Equalizer (The series from the 80’s), I think I was still leaning toward “Rescue hero” And had designs on entering the military - Air Force or Army (for helicopter piloting) – to begin my training for such an endeavor.

This ambition shifted to engineering sometime during my missionary service – thought still with some thoughts of piloting lurking in the background. My aim was aerospace engineering, but an aerospace engineer I met while in Florida encouraged me to consider mechanical engineering instead, as it would provide greater career flexibility.

I began my university career in Mechanical Engineering, but for one reason or another allowed chemistry to intimidate me. I then couldn’t make up my mind between Electrical Engineering or Computer Science, so pursued both, and after five years schooling was roughly a year away from a degree in either.

Then an unusual illness struck (Probably a physical manifestation of Anxiety/Depression caused by my undiagnosed ADHD brain, and an environment which was not ADHD friendly) forcing me to abandon school and take up a job.

I spent the next many years working in IT – Which allowed me to occasionally build systems, which made people’s jobs easier, so… pretty good fit for my mission statement.

During that time, I managed to return to the university and complete a newer degree offering – Computer Engineering. I was well established in my IT career at that point, so no drastic changes came from the degree.

My combination of IT and Engineering placed me in a unique position to bridge the gap between our company’s IT and Automation Engineering teams – teams which historically butt heads. I began to focus on a more recent discipline – OT, or Operational Technology. OT has similarities to IT, but priorities are changed to accommodate the unique requirements of systems which interact with the physical environment. (for example: IT’s top priority is to protect data – they will happily delay network traffic to inspect it for malware, stolen intellectual property, etc… In the OT world, where we are concerned about controlling a machine to prevent loss of product or worse, loss of human life, this delay of traffic is unacceptable).

I have enjoyed this work. It is challenging, engaging, technically interesting, and again, ticks both items in my long-standing mission statement.

In recent years, I have made a slight modification to my mission statement, as I have come to recognize more accurately what my passions are. It is now a set of words:

Creation – whether woodworking, writing, gardening, software coding, or machine building. I take great joy in making things.

Discovery – I love learning. My hobby has been collecting hobbies.

Sharing – While as an INFJ/P personality, it doesn’t necessarily come easily or naturally for me, I do enjoy learning from others, and I enjoy teaching others the things I have learned.

Delight – I love to use my talents to make other people’s lives easier, or more enjoyable. I am an obsessive problem solver, especially technical problems, I have been known to latch onto a particularly troublesome problem and work it all day, non-stop (another ADHD characteristic). Relatedly, I am not a fan of conflict, and quite unconsciously seek ways to resolve conflict, ideally with a win-win solution (again – INFP/J personality, so this characteristic doesn’t always shine through, but it is deeply embedded in me nonetheless).

My career has been reasonably well aligned with these, though the corporate world has never been kind to my INFP/J – ADHD brain, and therefore delight is an all too infrequent visitor, whose presence is overshadowed by the nearly always present discouragement, despair and dejection (perhaps my experience is not so unique, but if so, shouldn’t we—collectively—stop doing what we are doing, and try something different?).

Recently I have come to the realization that authoring also ticks all those boxes. I have greatly enjoyed it, even though at present, it must occupy those few minutes when I am not buried in work-related things (which my job has never, ever been even remotely close to a nine-to-five. I had a couple of weeks under GE during which I worked in excess of 120 hours, to keep the local business running).

However, while my corporate career has been devastating to my physical and mental well-being, it has consistently kept my family housed and fed. It has also helped compensate for the effects of the “ADHD Tax” (Just recently learned that one- I can see it in play in my life. Perhaps I will elaborate on that in a later post).

On the other hand, to date, I have invested roughly $6k on my authoring efforts (ignoring my considerable time investment; that is actual monetary investment in editing, publishing and advertising), and have seen just over $100 return.

I realize a certain monetary and time investment is required for any such venture, so it is what it is. The question of course is who much do you invest? At what point should you cut your losses and “keep your day job” so to speak?

Of course, I could find ways to cut costs, I could eliminate editors, create my covers more cheaply, and learn the tools to publish directly, but that introduces its own set of risks, with respect to quality of the final product. (Besides, I am quite fond of the people I worked with, and I want to continue to work with them and support their business as well).

And then there is the question: Do I actually have enough material in me to make a viable run at authoring?

I have a few ideas floating around, which I have been writing bits as they come to me, and which I believe could both become multi-book series:

One is a pre-apocalyptic/conspiracy theory idea – which I know I would have to be very careful in writing, as I want to use real events, starting roughly two decades back to weave a tale of intrigue and deception, of competing secret societies, shadow governments, and a battle to build utopia amid a backdrop of chaos and corruption. This story would be one in which Jessica and her friends would likely play a role. The tricky part will be heavy incorporation of real events and people in “what-if” scenarios, in a way that doesn’t expose me to defamation lawsuits. Not sure if just using different names would be sufficient.

The other is a fantasy (with perhaps hints of sci-fi and horror), set on a unique world, devasted by the wars of past deities and sorcerers, filled with its own political intrigues and apocalyptic possibilities.

I have toyed with a bit of philosophy as well – have a fair bit of material I thought to publish as “The Geeks Guide to Success”. And of course, the series I am presently posting on “The Art of Reasoning” could possibly be a candidate for publishing…

But, is there an audience of sufficient size, and can I find them? Is such an endeavor practical at this point, while still finding time for care and feeding of my (admittedly dwindling – kids grow up and move out…) family?

I have been lurking in a few independent author chat groups, and I see some success stories, but too often it seems those come by compromising their values in order to appeal to the available audience (i.e. formulaic writing vs. personal passion), or through reaching and attracting a large audience through sheer charisma and charm. I lack the pretty face or adorable accent for the latter, and I think the former would suck the joy out of it for me.

There is also a strategy of building a base of subscribers, and utilizing them as a resource ( patreon or similar ). I believe the idea is to release regular newsletters to them, (what would I write), or provide early access to content. I struggle with that. For myself, I want to read the whole story – start to finish – getting an early peak at what may or may not be the final story would take from that experience. But, maybe that is just me…

Much to consider…

For now, I have “Nicholas” with the editor, and I anticipate publishing it before the end of this year. I will continue to write ideas for my other stories as they come to me, and as time permits. And… we’ll see what the next year brings I suppose…

 

Reasoning: The Human Machine

 (This post is part of series of posts, beginning here. It is recommended they be read collectively, and in order.) 

Speaking of models, it is useful to model the human as a machine – specifically a computing machine, such as the one you may be using to read this, be it a personal computer, a laptop/tablet, or a phone.

 

There are three components in particular, which are useful to consider in this model:

1. The Hardware
2. The Operating System
3. The Applications

All three of these components are necessary, however, you are generally only vaguely aware of the first two, and then, usually only when they are malfunctioning. It the applications – chrome/firefox/edge, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, etc. which you spend your time in, and which you interact directly with - give your focus to.

But let's begin at the bottom and work our way up…

 

The Hardware:

The hardware is the physical, tangible part of the system – the part that gets the actual work done. It comes in an array of shapes and sizes, and each has its particular benefits and drawbacks.

A phone is tiny and portable. It is incredibly convenient for ‘on-the-go’ activities; great for listening to music while you work out, or quickly looking up some information, or connecting with friends while you are out and about. The screen is tiny however, making it less effective for reviewing large amounts of data in a spreadsheet, or typing up a document, or enjoying a movie in the ‘theater experience’.

The personal computer is much bigger. It gives you plenty of viewing space for large documents, or vision-filling videos. It can have considerably more computing power, and other capabilities as well. It is definitely not portable, however.

The laptop or tablet occupies a space in between these two, providing some of the benefits of both, though not as well as either.

Apart from the specific features which meet your specific needs, however, you don’t actually care about the particular design, nearly as much as you think you do. You’ve been conditioned – by your peers, by advertising propaganda – to have preferences for specific colors, lines, curves, etc… But in reality these aesthetic characteristics do little (or nothing) to impact how the system works, and your preferences can change over time, based on the marketing and peer influences you are exposed to, and by your inaccurate association of performance issues to those aesthetics.

Your human hardware was not selected by you. It was designed primarily by genetics, with some epigenetic influences. We tamper with it some; we have some ability to fix certain performance issues (fix damaged heart valves, replace failing kidneys, remove cancerous cells…). We also perform alterations which are strictly aesthetic in nature (tattoos, piercings, face-lifts, etc...). There are limits to what we can do, and most of these alterations come with certain consequences, which we should carefully consider.

 

The Operating system:

The operating system provides the interface between the hardware and the applications. When working properly, it is virtually invisible to you. You use an application, called a Graphical User Interface (or GUI), which sits on top of the operating system, and hides it form you. And you use that application only just to launch the applications you are actually interested in.

The operating system then, just sits in the background, collecting, storing, and presenting information for you, and making sure the various components keep ticking along.

There are different Operating Systems, but apart from socialized or marketed preferences, or a comfort level which comes from prior use, you don’t really care whether the operating system is Windows, Android, Apple. Linux, or something else altogether, as long as your applications are there, and function the way you expect them to. With experience, the right peer influences, and/or marketing propaganda, your preferences can be altered, and you can adjust and adapt.

Like your human hardware, your human operating system was not of your choosing. It came preloaded, via genetics and epigenetics. And for most everyone, it has roughly the same key functionality and priorities. Keep in mind, the Human Operating System is the part that ‘just works’ in the background.

It is reasonable to model the top three priorities for this operating system as:

1.       Seek pleasure – which in this case refers to ‘feel good’ chemicals which are released in your brain when you engage in activities which meet basic system needs (eat, sleep, reproduce…)

2.       Avoid pain – Which refers to removing yourself from situations which are triggering various sensors in your body, which you registers are discomfort (too hot, too cold, too stabby, etc…), and avoiding situations which we believe will trigger those sensors.

3.       Conserve energy – do the above without expending unnecessary effort.

(It is difficult to assign a specific priority to these, as we will in some instances endure certain pains for pleasure (running a marathon, for instance), and forgo certain pleasures to avoid pain.)

There are also some built-in tendencies, which are common across the board as well, though individual degree of expression of these tendencies may vary from barely there, to detrimentally present:

 

Filtering – There is too much information coming at us for us to be able to process and comprehend it all. It would overload us. For this reason, our operating system develops filtering techniques in order to ‘ignore’ information which it deems as not presently relevant. To see an example of this. Try telling your kids to go do the dishes, right in the middle of a climactic moment of a movie they are watching.

Grouping/Discriminating – With so much information available to us, it is necessary to group things together based on certain characteristics, to make keeping track of them more manageable. A simple example; a child who had had a traumatic experience with a Doberman, will also fear a golden retriever, a poodle, or any other dog, because they recognize a dog as a dog, regardless of breed or present behavior. A dog happily waging its tail is no less frightening than a dog which is barking and growling. 

We use this capability to avoid experiencing every possible type of pain, by recognizing an unfamiliar item as 'similar to' an object with which we are familiar. We can then use that past experience to guide our interaction with this new object (i.e. “It hurt when I touched the candle flame, so I will avoid touching the campfire flame.”)

 Pattern-seeking – We innately look for patterns – look for the familiar. This is useful as it allows us to make s_nse of inc_mpl_te information (see what I did there?). It allows us to perceive and model things which we cannot fully see, or physically comprehend. Gravitational force, for instance – we can’t see it, but we have repeatedly observed the pattern of released objects falling to the ground and are thus able to draw conclusions about it, and even develop equations defining its observed behavior, allowing us to predict the outcomes of activities where gravity has influence (i.e. launching a rocket into space…)

 

 

The Applications:

This is the part you actually care about; the things that do the specific things, that you want to do. You don’t open your phone to stare at the Apple or Android operating system, you open your phone to stare at the Tik Tok video, or Facebook post, or Instagram reel, or the web page of funny memes, or the YouTube video of cats, or….

An interesting thing about your human applications – YOU wrote them.

That’s right, you didn’t come preloaded with applications. You wrote them – are writing them as you go.

For instance, you wrote the walking application many years ago, when you were still in diapers.

First, you had to write the sitting and balancing applications. Perhaps you don’t remember the many times you tipped over as you focused intently on learning how to decode the information from your muscle, eye, and inner-ear sensors, to understand in which direction and by how much you were tipping. You’ve likely forgotten the countless hours you spent focused on learning how to communicate the commands to the appropriate muscles, to expand or contract with the appropriate amount of force, to counteract that tipping.

Once you mastered that, you worked on the standing application, which required refinements to the balancing application, as new appendages (your legs) were introduced to the equation – a whole new set of muscles to include in the balance-adjustment process.

Then you finally began working on shifting balance between one leg and the other, allowing you to raise, move, then lower one leg at a time to propel you forward (ish. Once again, the balancing application required updating and refining).

As you grew older, this application became stable enough that you stopped paying attention to the details, and now you mainly let it run in the background, while you do other things (like watch videos on your phone). Occasionally as a result of this multi-tasking, you may encounter errors with your walking application, such as running into closed doors, or bumping into other people...

This is, of course, a model. It simplifies some things, it filters, groups, discriminates.... But the ideas presented here are universal enough to be generally applicable to every human machine, in making observations and predictions about their behavior. Generally speaking.