Reasoning: Our Greatest Enemy

 (This post is part of series of posts, indexed here. It is recommended they be read collectively, and in order.)  

This post could, perhaps, be considered an addendum to the prior post, exploring the impact of your greatest enemy on the larger society.

Humans, even the introverts, are social animals. We need social connection. Complete social isolation has been shown to have significant negative impact on emotional well-being, and it even causes physical changes within the human brain. (See The Effects of Solitary Confinement on the Brain:  Psychology Today)

If you consider the human being from a purely physical design, it seems quite obvious we are intended to function within a social collective - a herd or pack if you will. We are quite poorly designed to survive in this - often harsh - world. Our exterior covering provides little protection from extremes in heat or cold. Our long, gangly, upright structure is less balanced, less durable than most other creatures in the animal kingdom. We have no claws, nor tusks to serve as offensive or defensive weapons, and our hide, when compared to most other creatures, is quite fragile.

For the first few years of our lives, we are utterly helpless. Without someone to care for us, we would die of starvation, or dehydration, or exposure.

Our survival depends heavily on our mental capacity, and our opposable thumbs; our ability to imagine, design, and construct tools and machines which compensate for our frail structure, and which allows us to re-shape our environment to suit us. 

Our capacity to do so collectively is truly the secret to our success. We collaborate to create systems far more complex and sophisticated than any one person could ever hope to achieve in a lifetime.

You may readily note the presence of our fundamental survival mechanisms within this:

1. Seek Pleasure
2. Avoid Pain
3. Conserve Energy

Our homes, vehicles, electronic gadgets … All designed for the purpose of increasing our comfort (or decreasing our discomfort if you prefer) and reducing the effort we must personally exert.  We can now plant and harvest crops largely from the comfort of an air-conditioned machine. We can travel thousands of miles in less than a day. We have become so efficient in meeting our basic survival needs, there are now entire industries, employing millions of people, devoted entirely to entertainment and leisure.

However, much like the above mechanisms, our fundamental social characteristics can be subverted.

Survival dictates we avoid potential dangers, and seek out potential  allies. But how does one identify potential dangers? In simplest terms, "Different is dangerous." and "same is safe."

But what is "same" and what is "different"?

Skin color, hair color, language, accent ...  Outward characteristics are perhaps the most immediately available to us. 

If you have ever traveled to a foreign country or even a distant city, perhaps you've had a chance encounter with someone who was from your own region, and experienced that moment of connection with them, even though personally, you know them no better than any of the strangers surrounding you. The similarity in speech, clothing style, accent... whatever it may be, is more familiar, and so you experience an immediate rapport.

Conversely, have you ever witnessed a baby's first encounter with a father after he shaved a full beard? The very sudden, very dramatic change in appearance generally leads to tears. Daddy must reestablish his rapport with his child, as he has reverted to 'stranger'.

We gravitate toward that which we deem similar, and away from that which we perceive as 'different'. However, since the function of this behavior is tied to the need for protection against danger (real or perceived), The characteristics which are prioritized for similarity are often altered by our fears. Instead of seeking the 'greater of two goods', we will instead default to the 'lesser of two evils'. We will align with the obvious 'enemy of our enemy', over a potentially neutral friend.

Furthermore, since our own opinions are quite mutable (despite our claims to the contrary), once we have aligned with a group, we will tend to adopt the group tenets ('groupthink', or the 'echo-chamber' phenomenon as they are often called; this, coupled with our tenuous grasp of 'truth', can shape our entire culture, to the point of creating false realities). And once again, as this is a survival mechanism, fear tends to hold greater sway in the preferential weighting of these tenets. We huddle together, and chitter fearfully, or angrily at the perceived threats without.

An extreme example of the effects of this can be seen in the Rwandan genocide, as Hutu people slaughtered neighbors; not just the Tutsi, but also Hutus who held moderate views in regards to the Hutu - Tutsi conflict ('if you are not for us, you are against us').

Another example worth consideration is the Soviet campaign to eliminate the kulaks - essentially peasant farmers who, despite their generally poor-to-middle-class state, were considered enemies to the 'collective', due to their land ownership. The kulaks were imprisoned or murdered, their livestock were destroyed, and their crops were ruined. The result of this ill-conceived action was a famine which killed over five million people.

Fundamentally, this is what is really happening 'under the hood' of what we call 'racisim' or 'sexism' or 'ageism'... It is the underlying mechanism defining discrimination against members of a different religion, or a political party, against blonds or redheads, or blue eyes vs brown eyes.

We layer all kinds of nonsensical and complex concepts on top of this, to attempt to explain or describe this behavior (unconscious bias, privilege, etc...), but it really is not so complicated as that. It is simply a survival mechanism that we are failing to properly manage. 

A second key characteristic of our social nature is that of hierarchy. In point of fact, "...all men are..." NOT "...created equal...". Our genetic differences predispose us to excel in certain capacities and underperform in others. Our own personal interest in, and investment of time to study and practice a particular skill further widens the gap. This ability to specialize is fundamental to our extraordinary success as a species.  One masterful farmer, using advanced tools created by a skilled craftsman can feed a village, freeing others to construct more comfortable homes and more efficient tools, to innovate and invent better fabrics, indoor plumbing, electric lights, heating and cooling, computers, transportation … It is all possible due to our hierarchical nature.

This particular characteristic is impacted by a couple of the fundamental survival mechanisms.

First, our directive to conserve energy will oft time lead us to surrender authority to those we perceive as more capable (even in some instances when they aren't). This can be observed in the 1960's Milgram experiment. Its effect likely played a role in the death of Kitty Genovese, who was attacked twice, over the span of one half hour, with witnesses having observed the first attack.

Second, our directive to avoid pain, even injury to our ego may lead us to fight unreasonably against those more competent than us (seemingly in contradiction to the directive to conserve energy). This perhaps explains why organizations, such as Twitter, Google, etc... often censor degreed, credible doctors and scientists whose dissenting opinions don't align the current consensus on certain topics. One specific example is a doctor who creates YouTube videos, reviewing data relating to covid. The entirety of many of these videos is him reviewing and highlighting data from published studies, some of which he pulled directly from the CDC and WHO websites. Yet staff from YouTube (who are not doctors, nor scientists) flags each of these videos with a warning that the information is suspect, and then provides a link to a (out of date) CDC web page where you can "get the facts".

Surrounding all of this is the issue of scale. As our population density grows, we find ourselves connecting to, and shifting between an increasing number of herds. The differences and similarities which bind or divide us become increasingly subtle, and increasingly strong.

This issue of scale also introduces the challenges of anonymity, which frequently impacts both how we perceive others, and how we behave.

When we encounter someone we know nothing about, our natural survival instincts will make snap judgments, based on our past experiences (and associated cognitive biases) based on external factors, to determine whether an individual is a pack member, or a threat. Such cursory evaluations of complex creatures like ourselves are rarely accurate. Curiously, while we usually acknowledge that complexity in ourselves, and those to whom we have established close relationships, we fail to acknowledge it in the anonymous. We dehumanize them. And - being "less than human" - we feel no compunction to treat them according to our established social mores.

The opposite circumstance has a curious effect as well. When we are in a state of anonymity - that is when we are not surrounded by members of one of our many herds, we often behave differently. Our herd tends to act as a social conscience, keeping our natural, instinctual, and sometimes vile natures in check. In their absence, we may behave in ways we otherwise would not. The effects of this are frequently visible in social media chat forums.

So, we can be monstrous when we are not surrounded by our flock, and we can be collectively monstrous when we are caught up in the effects of groupthink with our flock.

When one considers in combination with these, the previously mentioned characteristics:

1. We view the world not from a position of truth, but from a perceived perspective, through the lens of our unique paradigm.
2. Our brain lies to us
3. We construct models, based on narratives, which we therefore accept as 'reality'

One can perhaps recognize the potential for disaster on a grand scale. Our own perception of potential threats tends to be adopted by those within the flock who view us as hierarchically 'competent' - a sort of social contagion, which infects the minds of the collective. These perceived, or imagined characteristics become codified by the collective. They become the truth, regardless of any evidence to the contrary. With scale, the overwhelming volume of data and the inherent anonymity can lead to a point where a critical mass is reached. We can observe the creation of a mass illusion, which - due to the individual need to preserve ego - the flock will aggressively protect. Illusion then becomes - for all practical purposes - reality, and the flock experiences mass psychosis, mass hysteria, with all the potential devastation inherent in a stampede of sophisticated, yet deluded creatures. 

It is here, at this point of mass surrender to 'the natural man', that we observe seemingly rational, morally principled people engage in heinous, unspeakable acts of violence and denigration; subjugation, enslavement, mass murder, genocide. Neighbor against neighbor, and brother against brother. Our capacity for creation balanced by an equal capacity for destruction.

These last two posts may seem quite frightening, disheartening. That is not my intent. 

For, stating the last conversely; our capacity for destruction is balanced by an equal capacity for creation. 

I believe as we come to recognize and acknowledge that within each of us, individually, is this duality - that we contain within ourselves both the seeds of a Mother Theresa and a Mao Zedong, that we are equal parts Ghandi  and Hitler... as we acknowledge this, then we can recognize the circumstances which enable our darker side, and then devise mechanisms to constrain that probability. We can, through the Art of Reasoning, cast aside the illusions, subdue our 'natural man'. And enable our individual, greater selves to ascend. 

A Post for Mental Health Awareness Month

 2 June 2023 Edit - I said I wasn't going to edit this, but I realized I neglected to mention a number of useful tips. I added them to the bottom of the list of tips (Cold Showers, Breath Work, Meditation, Nature & Grounding). I also added links to the songs I listed, to at least make that part more ADHD friendly.

As Mental health awareness month winds down. I once again consider writing and posting a blog about my  own experience with that. I am mortified at the thought of sharing such details. However, over the years, I have read posts, or seen videos which other courageous people have made, which have been of benefit to me, so I find myself weighing my fear of what other's might think of me, against the potential benefit some might derive.

This will be relatively free-form, and I will do very little editing or rearranging, in hopes of capturing the thought process - the way my brain works. So, it may jump a bit, or feel disjointed.

Also, as a warning- the topic of suicide will be addressed. If you are uncomfortable with that, you may want to give this a pass.

First, about me: I am at present diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type.

That is a rather stupid name for a diagnosis, and rather problematic for a number of reasons.

AD= Attention Deficit. (Plus Inattentive type; they used to separate ADD and ADHD, now they lump them together and then add "Inattentive", or "Hyperactive" or "Both" as a type. And "Inattentive" is even worse). It suggests I can't pay attention, this is inaccurate. Sometimes I go beyond paying attention to hyper-focus. At other times, I am paying attention to too many things at once. The problem is I can't always control it. 

Many also describe it (accurately, I think) as people with ADHD having fewer "slots" in which to hold things which need focused attention at the same time. So, we have to swap things in and out of working memory more often, and we experience decision fatigue more rapidly.

H= Hyperactive. I'm not hyperactive. Sure, they added the types to distinguish. But the H is still there, in the back of everyone's mind (This is part of why girls with ADHD often go undiagnosed. They don't present with hyperactivity, and they often do well in school, so nobody sees it as ADHD. They therefore often end up with the wrong diagnosis and the wrong treatment).

D= Disorder. With roughly 10% of the population having it, is it fair to call it a disorder? Actually this is starting to shift somewhat. They are beginning to refer to it as a "Socially induced disorder" meaning it is only a disorder because we have created a social and cultural structure in which those with this particular set of characteristics tend not to thrive - a discrimination of sorts. 

Some are now throwing around the term "Neurodiverse". Instead of ADHD. Not sure that is really the right approach either, that is a generic and ultimately meaningless, non-descriptive term.

I have seen some speculation that  the ADHD characteristics were present in the hunters, gatherers, and protectors in early tribes. That seems sensible. Many of the ADHD characteristic would support that role well.

There has also been speculation that ADHD falls  on the autism spectrum. Certainly there are some overlapping characteristics, and the two are frequently comorbid.

It is also noted that Anxiety, Depression, and Addiction are frequent comorbidities with ADHD. I've dealt with all of those.  Technically, I probably don't qualify for an official addiction diagnosis; just a compulsion, as it hasn't disrupted my ability to keep a job, or maintain (within reason), relationships, though it certainly has had an impact on them. 

I suspect that rather than being comorbid, the anxiety and depression were/are secondary "infections" caused by untreated ADHD.

I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was over forty. I was put on my first anti-depressant in high school. It didn't do anything. I've been on nearly every anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication ever made, with varying unpleasant side-effects, and few to no benefits; no lasting benefits at all. 

I actually diagnosed myself with ADHD, and had to convince the doctor of it. Adderall definitely helped me. The generics seem less effective. Lately it has been hard to get either, due to a shortage. I went a couple months without, as nobody had it in my (lower than typical) dosage.

That is tough too; Being treated like a burgeoning criminal all the time. Adderall is heavily abused, so the default assumption is you are potentially an abuser. You can't get a refill prescription for Adderall, you have to request a new prescription every single month (you have to remember to do that every month, which isn't very ADHD friendly...)

I know that the overall effect looks different for everyone, but here are some of the things I have observed in myself, in no particular order:

I love languages and accents. I always try to guess where someone is from when I hear them speak, and when I listen to people with accents speaking, my jaw gets tired from the micromovements in my jaw as I subconsciously mimic them.

At the same time, I barely manage to comprehend English - which is the only language I actually speak. As a teenager, I developed the habit of saying "what?" any time someone asked me something. I didn't actually need them to repeat what they said, I just needed a few extra seconds to process the words they had said in order to comprehend the meaning, and formulate an appropriate response. I am a little better at it now, but only a little.

When I was in first grade, our school class took a tour of the local bank. As the bank manager was showing us all the  different security systems, I was working out how to circumvent those mechanisms. Not because I had designs on robbing a bank, but because it was a puzzle to solve.

When I am in a waiting room, or any room really, I look for patterns in the floor or ceiling tiles (or the curtains or...). And then I look for patterns in the patterns.

In fifth grade someone introduced me to solitaire, I became obsessed with it, but since I couldn't afford a deck of cards, I cut out squares of paper and drew my own deck of cards. My teacher caught me with the cards and yelled at me for having made them. She felt I was wasting my talents. 

Oh that reminds me; once in first grade, during story time, the kid sitting in front of me yelled at me to stop kicking him, and the teacher lifted me up by my hair, shook me and yelled at me. I was engrossed in the story, and completely unaware that my foot was swinging and bumping into him. That was a rather traumatic experience.

When I am working on projects, I will set a tool down to go take care of something else, then come back and spend the next twenty or so minutes trying to find the tool I set down. If you read the Book of Mormon, you might be familiar with Ether Chapter 14, verse 1:

```

1 And now there began to be a great curse upon all the land because of the iniquity of the people, in which, if a man should lay his tool or his sword upon his shelf, or upon the place whither he would keep it, behold, upon the morrow, he could not find it, so great was the curse upon the land.

```

Yep, that's my curse, almost every day.

I have no concept of time. They call it "time-blindness". How long will something take? I have no idea. What day is it? Don't know. I forgot my own birthday one year not too long ago.

Same goes for distance. How long is that stick? How tall is that tree? If I give you an estimate, be warned; it is a guess, and quite likely not at all accurate (Probably within +/- 50%...).

I currently have 60 tabs open on my web browser. Several technical how-to's, a few charts and strategies for keeping your home clean, a few philosophical essays on various economic systems (capitalism, communism... Working on a blog post - a new take on that topic.)

My brain is nearly always running full speed. Nearly anything I get involved in, I will see a few dozen ways it can go wrong. This can be a good thing, in that I am pretty good at risk mitigation. It can also be a bad thing, when anxiety kicks in and shuts me down. Also, while I may see a dozen rather obscure things, I may at the same time overlook something quite obvious.

When faced with a problem I can often see dozens of solutions. Again, good and bad. I can present many alternatives, so if one doesn't work, another is ready to go. On the other hand, I can get shut down by analysis paralysis, going round and round in my head trying to find the best solution, when there rarely is a "best" one.

I often struggle with sensory overload. If someone is talking to me in a crowded room, and someone else is having a conversation within earshot, or if there is music playing or a show on the TV, my brain will usually try to hear both (or all) conversations, and therefore I will comprehend neither. 

When I received my ADHD diagnosis, the doctor gave me a handout, then started to explain something to me. I don't know what, however, because have gave me a handout, and I started looking at it, so my brain did not process the words he was saying (I suppose that was a dead giveaway).

I am often compulsive about finishing things. When I go for a hike on a new trail, it is extremely hard for me to turn around at any point, because I need to see what is around the next corner, or over the next hill. As in, it causes physical pain for me to not.

In College, a friend loaned me a video game once on a Friday afternoon - a game with a well developed story line. I started playing Friday evening. I finished the game Sunday morning. I only took breaks to go to the bathroom. I didn't eat or sleep the entire time. I was so completely hyper-focused on the story, nothing else existed.

I have frequently skipped/missed meals while working on projects (personal or work). I can have a water bottle sitting on my desk, and still go the whole day without taking a drink of water. Self-care is a real and serious issue. I have even tried using alarms, but when the alarm goes off, I will silence it, and finish what I am currently working on first - it will only take a couple minutes (remember that time-blindness?), and I don't want to interrupt my train of thought.

I have a weird relationship with people in general. I like people, I care about people. I want to know how they are doing, and what they are doing, but I am hopeless when it comes to carrying a conversation. My mind goes blank. I don't know what to ask or say.  So, I end up standing awkwardly, until we're both uncomfortable. Also, when I see someone, I will absolutely know who they are, but for the life of me I can't recall their name. It is dreadfully embarrassing.

I am an inherent people pleaser. Perhaps it goes farther than that. I need people to like me, to think highly of me (which is likely the main reason It terrifies me to post this). When I am around a person, my personality, my language and mannerisms tend to shift, mirroring their own somewhat. On the up side, this has made it easy for me to connect with a very diverse range of people, and even be the go-between for groups that have historically not gotten along. On the downside if there is a large diverse group...  Imagine a chameleon standing near a disco ball. It's exhausting. Also, since I subconsciously try to be what people  want me to be, I find I am not entirely sure who I really am.

This also makes therapy difficult. On a subconscious level, I respond to the therapist in the way I believe they want me to respond. And I don't want them to feel bad, so I will superficially improve in order to give them a sense of a successful outcome.

I am terrible at saying 'no', so I often take on more than I can manage, or keep track of. But when I write it all down, the list is so large it overwhelms me. That is a general challenge with big projects. If I don't write down granular enough steps, I will have trouble getting started, but if I see all the steps together, I can become overwhelmed and shut down. But at the same time, I really want to see all of the steps, to visualize the entire process, and see the big picture...

I also tend to take on too much, because I don't like doing nothing, so if I am stuck in a moment where my other projects are paused (or next steps have slipped my mind), I will pick something else up to fill that time. And since I suck at time comprehension, I frequently take on more than will reasonably fit in my schedule (And yes, I have tried a whole slew of calendering and productivity systems to no avail. Bullet Journaling is working better than most...)

Finances are a nightmare for me. I try to create and use budgets, but if an urgency or a great idea strikes me, or someone is in need of a few dollars to help solve a problem... I can't recall the budget, but I am pretty sure there was enough money... (no, there wasn't).

There's this thing called the ADHD tax, and I can attest it is real. I have paid tons in late fees over the years, not because I didn't have the money. I just lost track of the deadline. The worst one however was just a few years ago. Our company was sold to another company in March. The name on the paycheck didn't change however. Come tax time, and the second company sent a W-2 (Salary for Mid-March to end of the year). Somewhere in the back of my mind, I briefly had the thought, "hmm that seems a little low. Oh well, I must have misremembered my salary." The first company never sent a W-2. They expected us to get it from their website. But that didn't occur to me. And if they sent a notice, I either missed it, or it came early enough that I forgot. They did however send it to the IRS, who then hit me with a hefty fine plus interest, for not paying the appropriate amount of tax.

So, yeah, I could probably make a million dollars a year and still look poor on paper.

I despise conflict, even though I often take the contrary voice in conversations, due to my tendency to see all sides of a thing, and a tendency to stick up for the underdog. The world has a great deal of conflict. There are many bullies, and that too often becomes too much for me to bear.

I don't really enjoy sarcasm either, even though I have often used it (that whole chameleon thing, I suspect). The world is full of that as well. And It leaves me feeling sick inside.

I so often feel I am right on the verge of disaster - financial, or social or career most typically. Try as I might, I can't seem too keep it in balance, one or more of the many spinning plates gets dropped. I feel like I am an imposter, living in a world in which I don't belong, living a life I don't deserve. 

It is an interesting observation; I believe in an afterlife. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ, and in the atonement.. I met an old man while I was serving a mission for my church; he was an alcoholic who had been to prison twice for murder. I have absolute confidence the atonement of Jesus Christ will wash his sins away, that he will be made whole and clean one day. Yet somehow, I am unable to believe or accept that it applies to me- That there is a place in God's grand plan... for me. It sounds absurd saying it. I can't begin to wrap my head around why my brain thinks that way, why I am unable to 'fix' that ridiculous incongruency.

Suicide ideation has been a long-term factor in my life. The first time I recall, I was a teenager. The world is hard. And I often feel alone, even when in a crowd. I don't know if that is common to ADHD brain types (or Introverts, which I also am). But I have on many occasions wanted to be done to be free of pain and despair (much of which I acknowledge I manufacture).

I am confident It is not all genetic. I was exposed to pornography ( a particularly violent sort) when I was seven or eight years old, so I really don't recall what it is like to live without addiction/compulsion. The impact of that material on my young, impressionable brain was to build automatic, subconscious, Pavlovian responses to things that most people hardly give a second thought to. I have to constantly be on guard, managing my thoughts. And triggering material is everywhere. I compare it to if you were an alcoholic, and everywhere you went, people were running around with super-soakers filled with bourbon, shooting you in the face. There is rarely a reprieve or escape from it. It is a very real, albeit perhaps nonphysical pain, ever-present. Sometimes, you just want the pain to stop, but it never does.

I was molested at age twelve; at a scout camp. I had a fever of 106 F at the time, and he (a camp leader, not one of my leaders) was taking care of me. It was subtle; I recall feeling uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. It wasn't until ten years later, when I recognized his name in a newspaper article about his arrest for similar behavior that I really connected the dots. I don't know how much this event affected me - I'm inclined to think not much, where it took me that long to even recognize the event for what it was, but who knows; perhaps as some subconscious level that has aggravated my other difficulties. 

My advice to parents - make sure your children understand they should never be alone with another adult (I don't think that was policy back then, or if it was it was not enforced. Requiring adults to follow the "buddy system" serves as strong protection for all involved.) Even it if is an adult you trust, or know to be a good person.

Yes I said a good person. I hold no ill will toward the individual who harmed me, and I do think he was - by and large - a good person with mostly good intentions. I don't know know his past or what demons he's faced. I don't excuse his actions. and I do believe he needs to be held accountable - I hope he got whatever help he needed to resolve his challenges. But before you judge him, consider the degree to which we allow our children's lives to be permeated with media and messages - both overtly and covertly - of a sexual nature, at ages when their brains are not sufficiently developed to cope with or properly process such complex and sophisticated ideas and emotions. If he is a monster, then he is one we created.

So yes, on many occasions in my life, I have had to battle with that particular demon, and I suppose right now would be an ideal time to share how I've done it. I can think of nothing that would be of more use to someone who is struggling right now with thoughts of giving up, and prematurely ending their life.

But I must admit I don't know precisely. 

Partly, I succeed (ironically) through a fear of failure ("With my luck I'll botch the attempt and make my situation worse"). Partly I am fortunate to have a wonderful family (both immediate and extended), and I dread the thought of causing them pain. Partly, I try to practice resilience. I tell myself to hang on for just one more day. Things are bound to get better soon (sometimes It feels like a very empty promise, but... that combined with a tendency to procrastinate... sometimes that's enough to get you through). Much of that you may or may not have at your disposal, or may be beyond your reach to control, but at least you can know - and perhaps take some comfort in knowing - you are not alone.

There are a few things I have found that help:

Routine: A solid morning routine - when I am able to maintain it - is... soothing? comforting? anchoring? Helpful and any rate. I don't recommend creating and trying to follow an elaborate routine from the get-go. Start with one or two things - get up at the same time every morning, drink a glass of water, and brush your teeth. Once you have that down, add more things, slowly, and one at a time, exercise, a healthy breakfast. A similar evening routine is also valuable; even harder to establish - always something to interfere...

Exercise: Physical exercise has tremendous value. Some studies indicate that 20-30 minutes of zone 2 cardio is as effective - or more so - than any anti-depressant. It is a bit tricky to start - hard to find the motivation, but if you can build that into your routine, you will derive considerable benefit.

Morning and evening sunlight: ten to fifteen minutes of exposure to the sun early in the morning, and again in the afternoon has been found to be very beneficial for mood and circadian regulation.

Supplements: There are some supplements which are helpful as well. Fish Oil has been shown in several studies to help with PTSD and Anxiety. Talk to your Doctor to check on possible interactions, and find a reputable source (I've been using Thorne, which I discovered through the Andrew Huberman podcast - he is a good source of science-based information.). I've also found brewed Cacao helpful. It is similar to Coffee in how it is made, but with cacao beans instead. It has much less caffeine, so you don't get the caffeine 'high' and crash effect. It has Theobromine, which is a mild stimulant which works for a longer period. It is a vaso-dilator (vs Coffee is a vaso-constrictor), so improves blood flow, and has several other health benefits.

Music: Music has a number of benefits. For people with ADHD in particular, there are certain types of music which are especially helpful.  The specific structure of certain classical music styles (Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach...) has been shown to help improve Focus. Similar benefits have been found with some electronic music, which uses similar musical structure - complex, intricate rhythms, with repeating, progressive, melodic themes. Positive Lyrics can serve as affirmations - reinforced by the power of music to help embed those thoughts in your mind - which can provide further benefit.

Here are a few I have found particularly beneficial (you should be able to search them on youtube):

Brandenburg Concerto No 3. - J.S. Bach

Symphony #40 in G Minor - Mozart

01 Concerto in D Major FI No. 138 Allegro - Vivaldi

Fly with me - The Fat Rat

Carry You - Ruelle

Climb - Adona

Rise - Caroline Jones

Linked - Jim Yosef

Stand by You - Rachel Platten

In your Eyes - Robin Schulz (feat. Alida)

Walk Thru Fire - Vicetone

Hold on for a Miracle - Svircina

I am the Storm - Ad Infinitum (This is rather aggressive - Swedish Death Metal - so may have limited appeal. I have found the message to be very uplifting however. And variety has its own benefit.)

Speaking of affirmations: those are also good to have. Personal values and goals as well. Write them down, keep them where you can see them frequently throughout the day. Having your purpose firmly fixed in your mind can carry you through many difficulties.

Cold Showers: I saw a video (which I can't find now) a few years ago, listing a number of benefits for cold showers (Boost Dopamine production, improves skin health, lowers your power/gas bill...). This narrative video by Jonna Jinton is really the one which pushed me to try it. It is really quite helpful. You shouldn't do the Ice bath without supervision; people have passed out and drowned doing that. But the cold shower is generally available to anyone. Go as cold as you can possibly stand it. 25 C (77 F) is considered room temp, and it feels quite cold, and even that has benefit. 20 C (68 F) is considerably more effective. I think beyond the biological benefits, there is also a psychological benefit to doing this in the morning. Doing something hard first thing gives you a confidence boost, sets you up for success. I wouldn't recommend doing it daily; maybe two or three times a week. That will help maintain a novelty factor for your brain, and prevent it from adapting and compensating.

Breath Work: There are breathing exercises which are also very beneficial, This Wim Hof Technique is particularly helpful. The "Whisky, Water and Coffee" techniques are also useful.

Meditation: It can be difficult to find the time for this, but a good meditation practice can be very helpful. It can help develop better control over your brain- the thoughts that ramble around in there. There are several types of mediation techniques which work; Mindfulness meditation (also referred to as sensory awareness meditation), Yoga Nidra, Labyrinth Walking.

Nature & Grounding: There really is something to connecting with the natural world, which is very emotionally healing, grounding. Just going for a walk in the woods can make a huge difference. If you can, spend five or ten minutes barefoot on the grass or dirt. This one sounds a bit silly perhaps, but there are legitimate studies showing real benefits.

A few recommendations for those who wish to help those who are struggling:

Don't try and guilt them (i.e. "Think of the people you will hurt if you take your life..."). Believe me, they are doing plenty of guilting already. The last thing they need is for you to pile on more. If they open up to you about suicidal thoughts, Thank them for trusting you, and for being courageous enough to speak to you about such a difficult topic. Encourage them to seek out professional help, or other trained resources.

Don't become invested. Remember the saying about the oxygen masks in airplanes (Put your own mask on first) - you can't help them if you can't breath yourself. Invite them to come to the light with you, don't chase after them in the darkness.

Don't push pharmaceuticals as the fix. Yes, they have their place, but they aren't a magical cure for most. One of the big problems people in these circumstances face is there is a misconception that they just need to find the right drug and poof, everything will be all better and they will live happily ever after. The pills often don't work, or work for a period before the body adjusts to them and nullifies their positive effects. They often come with side effects, which outweigh the benefits. A Therapist or a good life coach would probably be of far greater benefit, and certainly SHOULD be a component of the whole treatment plan. Unfortunately, it is hard to find one who is "the right fit". Also insurance rarely covers that cost.

Don't tell them to "just choose to be happy" or "change their mindset", a blind person can't "just see", a quadriplegic can't "just walk", whether a learned behavior, or an actual physical defect in the functioning of their brain, they can't just flip a switch and be better. In some cases, they might never be "better" in this life. Learning to cope, and finding the tools to allow them to function might need to be the goal. Baby steps.  Encourage them, push them (kindly), but recognize it is a process, and there may be hard limits which will need to be worked around rather than eliminated or ignored.

Don't absolve them of responsibility, or cater to their misconceptions or misperceptions. It isn't helpful to support their illusions, or to allow them to pursue escapism. Reality  is reality, and they need to face that, even if it is difficult. You can do this kindly, of course. You can even offer to help clean up the mess, but they must first accept that there is a mess, and that it needs to be cleaned up.

Just as someone who was born without a limb has a lifelong struggle, so often do those with mental  health challenges. For physical challenges, we often make efforts to adjust our world to compensate for their "deficiency" - wheelchairs, handicapped parking spaces, ramps, automatic doors... Why not give thought to the things in our environment which impede their progress, or make things harder for them? I don't know precisely what that might look like, and I don't suggest looking to government to legislate a solution (they will most certainly get it wrong). But perhaps, as a community, we can be more thoughtful, kinder...

This post is not very ADHD friendly, so I'm not off to a great start on that last bit - sorry. TO be fair ADHD is not the only challenge I have addressed, though it is perhaps a key component or contributor of much of the rest. But hopefully, if you managed to get through this, you have been able to derive some value, or find some hope.

Reasoning: your Greatest Enemy

 

 (This post is part of series of posts, indexed here. It is recommended they be read collectively, and in order.)  

"For the natural man is an enemy to God..." 

    - Mosiah 3:19  (Book of Mormon)

This statement is remarkably profound, in light of what we know about the human machine. Though he is as much our enemy as God's

Perhaps you already concluded that the enemy would be you, based on comments from earlier posts, most notably The Liar Within.

However, that we lie to ourselves, that we distort our own perception of reality, barely scratches the surface of the threat you pose to yourself.

In the previous post, we considered some of the fundamental mechanisms of the human machine; the underpinning, biological programming which serves to keep us alive, both individually and as a species.

1. Seek Pleasure

2. Avoid Pain

3. Conserve Energy

Our bodies have fascinating mechanisms to drive these priorities. through the regulation of a variety of chemicals - Dopamine, Serotonin, Adrenaline, etc...

A few examples:

-----

- You are walking though the jungle (or a grocery store, for a less primitive example), and you see a potential food source. Your body releases a bit of dopamine, to motivate you to pursue/hunt that bit of food. The more promising the food source appears to you, the larger that hit of dopamine. Then your body utilizes mechanisms to create an equal and opposing reaction, putting you in a state of... pain... So now not only do you desire the object, you must have the object in order to remove the pain.  (priorities one and two at essentially the same time.)

- You are again walking through the Jungle. you are hungry, and you see a piece of fruit. However, it  looks rotten, and is in a spot which will be difficult to get to. Your body depletes the the levels of certain chemicals (Dopamine, Serotonin...). In your system. Creating a mood which, in extreme levels, we call depression. This reduces your motivation to pursue the object, even though you are hungry, and you continue on your way (yes, depression does in fact serve a practical purpose, in appropriate levels and under appropriate circumstances).

- You see a strange animal, one which you have never seen before. It has large claws, and enormous, fang-like teeth. Although you don't recognize this animal, you do recognize those features from other animals you have seen, and which you know to be dangerous. Your brain automatically categorizes this creature as a potential threat, and alters various chemicals to place you in a state of heightened awareness (we often call it anxiety), prepared for a fight/flight/freeze response.

----

These systems are quite amazing. They work well to keep us alive, driving us toward that which is necessary for our survival, and away from potential danger.

However, these systems can be hijacked. They can 'misfire', and can ultimately work contrary to their intended purpose.

In  1954, James Olds and Peter Milner discovered if they wired a button to the pleasure center in a rat's brain, the rat would push the button repeatedly, ignoring opportunities for food or mating. They would push the button until they collapsed from exhaustion. They would prefer the button to the point of starvation. 

(Positive reinforcement produced by electrical stimulation of septal area and other regions of rat brain. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1955-06866-001)

Conversely, scientists discovered that by disconnecting the dopaminergic mechanism in a rat's brain, the rat would lay about lethargically, ignoring opportunities to mate or eat. It wouldn't exert the effort to eat food placed directly in front of it, and would ultimately starve to death.

(Feeding behavior in dopamine-deficient mice - PMC https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC18425/)

Yet another study observed rats ignoring other foods - and even cocaine - in favor of the filling of Oreo cookies. The high, sugar, high fat content appeals to priorities one and three - high levels of tasty calories with little expended effort. (Sadly, the mechanism is a trifle weak when it comes to identifying key nutrients which are needed, in addition to the calories).

(2013 · Connecticut College News https://www.conncoll.edu/news/news-archive/2013/student-faculty-research-suggests-oreos-can-be-compared-to-drugs-of-abuse-in-lab-rats.html)

For a system so important to our survival, it is surprisingly unsophisticated.

For instance, the chemical signature in our bodies for the experience of fear is nearly identical to that of excitement. We often can't distinguish clearly the difference between physical attraction and a threat to our life (this was the subject of an experiment in 1974 performed by Don Dutton and Arthur Aaron at the Capilano Suspension Bridge.) 

(https://www2.psych.ubc.ca/~schaller/308Readings/GeorgiaStraight2011.pdf)

Additionally, these systems treat a threat to your ego as equal in order of magnitude to a threat to your physical well-being. Your body's response to the threat of losing an argument, and the threat of being stabbed can be indistinguishable. If you have selected a particular position on a topic, or a method of accomplishing a certain task, your brain will literally fabricate logical-sounding justifications to support your position, and will discard sound evidence to the contrary. It will work to support and defend your decision to the point of irrationality.

The very system meant to keep you alive - to keep your entire species alive - can (intentionally or unintentionally) be subverted, leading to addiction, compulsion, unbounded anxiety or depression, irrational prejudice... It can drive us to neglect or even harm ourselves.

But not just ourselves; our friends, neighbors, loved ones, even our own offspring. The most dangerous enemy we face - and the most difficult enemy to conquer. Is ourself. It is an ever present enemy, always lurking just below the surface, ready to strike. All it needs is for you to be distracted, overwhelmed, or inattentive, and it will assume control.

This is why mastering the art of reasoning is so critical. It is the one tool we have in our arsenal capable of subduing this inner enemy.

Journal Entry 22 May 2023

 A random journal entry, which after some deliberation, I have decided to share publicly...

I have recently found myself spending considerable time reflecting; trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, among other things. I suppose fifty-three is a reasonable age for such thoughts.

 For decades now, I have had as my life’s mission to “Build toys and make people happy.”

I was never specific about what those toys were. Nor did I exclude useful tools from that classification. And “Make people happy” can range from simply delighting or entertaining, to improving quality of life.

The first career choice I remember having as a child was “Space explorer”, (like Buck Rogers), or some sort of “Rescue Hero” (A-Team, Knight Rider, The Bionic Man…)

I have been told that prior to those, I had designs of being a wealthy farmer, though I abandoned that when I was told that I should serve a mission first, and that would put me over 20 years old which, I considered “Over the hill” at that time.

Somewhere in elementary school, I vacillated between an array of options in the entertainment industry; actor, dancer, musician… I believe this was driven by a desire for fame – a need to be admired, adored. Also, I had the chance to interact a few people who were amateurs or low-level professionals, and they were all very admirable people; kind, happy, pleasant, likeable… I wanted to emulate them.

In high school, spurred perhaps by Air-wolf and The Equalizer (The series from the 80’s), I think I was still leaning toward “Rescue hero” And had designs on entering the military - Air Force or Army (for helicopter piloting) – to begin my training for such an endeavor.

This ambition shifted to engineering sometime during my missionary service – thought still with some thoughts of piloting lurking in the background. My aim was aerospace engineering, but an aerospace engineer I met while in Florida encouraged me to consider mechanical engineering instead, as it would provide greater career flexibility.

I began my university career in Mechanical Engineering, but for one reason or another allowed chemistry to intimidate me. I then couldn’t make up my mind between Electrical Engineering or Computer Science, so pursued both, and after five years schooling was roughly a year away from a degree in either.

Then an unusual illness struck (Probably a physical manifestation of Anxiety/Depression caused by my undiagnosed ADHD brain, and an environment which was not ADHD friendly) forcing me to abandon school and take up a job.

I spent the next many years working in IT – Which allowed me to occasionally build systems, which made people’s jobs easier, so… pretty good fit for my mission statement.

During that time, I managed to return to the university and complete a newer degree offering – Computer Engineering. I was well established in my IT career at that point, so no drastic changes came from the degree.

My combination of IT and Engineering placed me in a unique position to bridge the gap between our company’s IT and Automation Engineering teams – teams which historically butt heads. I began to focus on a more recent discipline – OT, or Operational Technology. OT has similarities to IT, but priorities are changed to accommodate the unique requirements of systems which interact with the physical environment. (for example: IT’s top priority is to protect data – they will happily delay network traffic to inspect it for malware, stolen intellectual property, etc… In the OT world, where we are concerned about controlling a machine to prevent loss of product or worse, loss of human life, this delay of traffic is unacceptable).

I have enjoyed this work. It is challenging, engaging, technically interesting, and again, ticks both items in my long-standing mission statement.

In recent years, I have made a slight modification to my mission statement, as I have come to recognize more accurately what my passions are. It is now a set of words:

Creation – whether woodworking, writing, gardening, software coding, or machine building. I take great joy in making things.

Discovery – I love learning. My hobby has been collecting hobbies.

Sharing – While as an INFJ/P personality, it doesn’t necessarily come easily or naturally for me, I do enjoy learning from others, and I enjoy teaching others the things I have learned.

Delight – I love to use my talents to make other people’s lives easier, or more enjoyable. I am an obsessive problem solver, especially technical problems, I have been known to latch onto a particularly troublesome problem and work it all day, non-stop (another ADHD characteristic). Relatedly, I am not a fan of conflict, and quite unconsciously seek ways to resolve conflict, ideally with a win-win solution (again – INFP/J personality, so this characteristic doesn’t always shine through, but it is deeply embedded in me nonetheless).

My career has been reasonably well aligned with these, though the corporate world has never been kind to my INFP/J – ADHD brain, and therefore delight is an all too infrequent visitor, whose presence is overshadowed by the nearly always present discouragement, despair and dejection (perhaps my experience is not so unique, but if so, shouldn’t we—collectively—stop doing what we are doing, and try something different?).

Recently I have come to the realization that authoring also ticks all those boxes. I have greatly enjoyed it, even though at present, it must occupy those few minutes when I am not buried in work-related things (which my job has never, ever been even remotely close to a nine-to-five. I had a couple of weeks under GE during which I worked in excess of 120 hours, to keep the local business running).

However, while my corporate career has been devastating to my physical and mental well-being, it has consistently kept my family housed and fed. It has also helped compensate for the effects of the “ADHD Tax” (Just recently learned that one- I can see it in play in my life. Perhaps I will elaborate on that in a later post).

On the other hand, to date, I have invested roughly $6k on my authoring efforts (ignoring my considerable time investment; that is actual monetary investment in editing, publishing and advertising), and have seen just over $100 return.

I realize a certain monetary and time investment is required for any such venture, so it is what it is. The question of course is who much do you invest? At what point should you cut your losses and “keep your day job” so to speak?

Of course, I could find ways to cut costs, I could eliminate editors, create my covers more cheaply, and learn the tools to publish directly, but that introduces its own set of risks, with respect to quality of the final product. (Besides, I am quite fond of the people I worked with, and I want to continue to work with them and support their business as well).

And then there is the question: Do I actually have enough material in me to make a viable run at authoring?

I have a few ideas floating around, which I have been writing bits as they come to me, and which I believe could both become multi-book series:

One is a pre-apocalyptic/conspiracy theory idea – which I know I would have to be very careful in writing, as I want to use real events, starting roughly two decades back to weave a tale of intrigue and deception, of competing secret societies, shadow governments, and a battle to build utopia amid a backdrop of chaos and corruption. This story would be one in which Jessica and her friends would likely play a role. The tricky part will be heavy incorporation of real events and people in “what-if” scenarios, in a way that doesn’t expose me to defamation lawsuits. Not sure if just using different names would be sufficient.

The other is a fantasy (with perhaps hints of sci-fi and horror), set on a unique world, devasted by the wars of past deities and sorcerers, filled with its own political intrigues and apocalyptic possibilities.

I have toyed with a bit of philosophy as well – have a fair bit of material I thought to publish as “The Geeks Guide to Success”. And of course, the series I am presently posting on “The Art of Reasoning” could possibly be a candidate for publishing…

But, is there an audience of sufficient size, and can I find them? Is such an endeavor practical at this point, while still finding time for care and feeding of my (admittedly dwindling – kids grow up and move out…) family?

I have been lurking in a few independent author chat groups, and I see some success stories, but too often it seems those come by compromising their values in order to appeal to the available audience (i.e. formulaic writing vs. personal passion), or through reaching and attracting a large audience through sheer charisma and charm. I lack the pretty face or adorable accent for the latter, and I think the former would suck the joy out of it for me.

There is also a strategy of building a base of subscribers, and utilizing them as a resource ( patreon or similar ). I believe the idea is to release regular newsletters to them, (what would I write), or provide early access to content. I struggle with that. For myself, I want to read the whole story – start to finish – getting an early peak at what may or may not be the final story would take from that experience. But, maybe that is just me…

Much to consider…

For now, I have “Nicholas” with the editor, and I anticipate publishing it before the end of this year. I will continue to write ideas for my other stories as they come to me, and as time permits. And… we’ll see what the next year brings I suppose…

 

Reasoning: The Human Machine

 (This post is part of series of posts, beginning here. It is recommended they be read collectively, and in order.) 

Speaking of models, it is useful to model the human as a machine – specifically a computing machine, such as the one you may be using to read this, be it a personal computer, a laptop/tablet, or a phone.

 

There are three components in particular, which are useful to consider in this model:

1. The Hardware
2. The Operating System
3. The Applications

All three of these components are necessary, however, you are generally only vaguely aware of the first two, and then, usually only when they are malfunctioning. It the applications – chrome/firefox/edge, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, etc. which you spend your time in, and which you interact directly with - give your focus to.

But let's begin at the bottom and work our way up…

 

The Hardware:

The hardware is the physical, tangible part of the system – the part that gets the actual work done. It comes in an array of shapes and sizes, and each has its particular benefits and drawbacks.

A phone is tiny and portable. It is incredibly convenient for ‘on-the-go’ activities; great for listening to music while you work out, or quickly looking up some information, or connecting with friends while you are out and about. The screen is tiny however, making it less effective for reviewing large amounts of data in a spreadsheet, or typing up a document, or enjoying a movie in the ‘theater experience’.

The personal computer is much bigger. It gives you plenty of viewing space for large documents, or vision-filling videos. It can have considerably more computing power, and other capabilities as well. It is definitely not portable, however.

The laptop or tablet occupies a space in between these two, providing some of the benefits of both, though not as well as either.

Apart from the specific features which meet your specific needs, however, you don’t actually care about the particular design, nearly as much as you think you do. You’ve been conditioned – by your peers, by advertising propaganda – to have preferences for specific colors, lines, curves, etc… But in reality these aesthetic characteristics do little (or nothing) to impact how the system works, and your preferences can change over time, based on the marketing and peer influences you are exposed to, and by your inaccurate association of performance issues to those aesthetics.

Your human hardware was not selected by you. It was designed primarily by genetics, with some epigenetic influences. We tamper with it some; we have some ability to fix certain performance issues (fix damaged heart valves, replace failing kidneys, remove cancerous cells…). We also perform alterations which are strictly aesthetic in nature (tattoos, piercings, face-lifts, etc...). There are limits to what we can do, and most of these alterations come with certain consequences, which we should carefully consider.

 

The Operating system:

The operating system provides the interface between the hardware and the applications. When working properly, it is virtually invisible to you. You use an application, called a Graphical User Interface (or GUI), which sits on top of the operating system, and hides it form you. And you use that application only just to launch the applications you are actually interested in.

The operating system then, just sits in the background, collecting, storing, and presenting information for you, and making sure the various components keep ticking along.

There are different Operating Systems, but apart from socialized or marketed preferences, or a comfort level which comes from prior use, you don’t really care whether the operating system is Windows, Android, Apple. Linux, or something else altogether, as long as your applications are there, and function the way you expect them to. With experience, the right peer influences, and/or marketing propaganda, your preferences can be altered, and you can adjust and adapt.

Like your human hardware, your human operating system was not of your choosing. It came preloaded, via genetics and epigenetics. And for most everyone, it has roughly the same key functionality and priorities. Keep in mind, the Human Operating System is the part that ‘just works’ in the background.

It is reasonable to model the top three priorities for this operating system as:

1.       Seek pleasure – which in this case refers to ‘feel good’ chemicals which are released in your brain when you engage in activities which meet basic system needs (eat, sleep, reproduce…)

2.       Avoid pain – Which refers to removing yourself from situations which are triggering various sensors in your body, which you registers are discomfort (too hot, too cold, too stabby, etc…), and avoiding situations which we believe will trigger those sensors.

3.       Conserve energy – do the above without expending unnecessary effort.

(It is difficult to assign a specific priority to these, as we will in some instances endure certain pains for pleasure (running a marathon, for instance), and forgo certain pleasures to avoid pain.)

There are also some built-in tendencies, which are common across the board as well, though individual degree of expression of these tendencies may vary from barely there, to detrimentally present:

 

Filtering – There is too much information coming at us for us to be able to process and comprehend it all. It would overload us. For this reason, our operating system develops filtering techniques in order to ‘ignore’ information which it deems as not presently relevant. To see an example of this. Try telling your kids to go do the dishes, right in the middle of a climactic moment of a movie they are watching.

Grouping/Discriminating – With so much information available to us, it is necessary to group things together based on certain characteristics, to make keeping track of them more manageable. A simple example; a child who had had a traumatic experience with a Doberman, will also fear a golden retriever, a poodle, or any other dog, because they recognize a dog as a dog, regardless of breed or present behavior. A dog happily waging its tail is no less frightening than a dog which is barking and growling. 

We use this capability to avoid experiencing every possible type of pain, by recognizing an unfamiliar item as 'similar to' an object with which we are familiar. We can then use that past experience to guide our interaction with this new object (i.e. “It hurt when I touched the candle flame, so I will avoid touching the campfire flame.”)

 Pattern-seeking – We innately look for patterns – look for the familiar. This is useful as it allows us to make s_nse of inc_mpl_te information (see what I did there?). It allows us to perceive and model things which we cannot fully see, or physically comprehend. Gravitational force, for instance – we can’t see it, but we have repeatedly observed the pattern of released objects falling to the ground and are thus able to draw conclusions about it, and even develop equations defining its observed behavior, allowing us to predict the outcomes of activities where gravity has influence (i.e. launching a rocket into space…)

 

 

The Applications:

This is the part you actually care about; the things that do the specific things, that you want to do. You don’t open your phone to stare at the Apple or Android operating system, you open your phone to stare at the Tik Tok video, or Facebook post, or Instagram reel, or the web page of funny memes, or the YouTube video of cats, or….

An interesting thing about your human applications – YOU wrote them.

That’s right, you didn’t come preloaded with applications. You wrote them – are writing them as you go.

For instance, you wrote the walking application many years ago, when you were still in diapers.

First, you had to write the sitting and balancing applications. Perhaps you don’t remember the many times you tipped over as you focused intently on learning how to decode the information from your muscle, eye, and inner-ear sensors, to understand in which direction and by how much you were tipping. You’ve likely forgotten the countless hours you spent focused on learning how to communicate the commands to the appropriate muscles, to expand or contract with the appropriate amount of force, to counteract that tipping.

Once you mastered that, you worked on the standing application, which required refinements to the balancing application, as new appendages (your legs) were introduced to the equation – a whole new set of muscles to include in the balance-adjustment process.

Then you finally began working on shifting balance between one leg and the other, allowing you to raise, move, then lower one leg at a time to propel you forward (ish. Once again, the balancing application required updating and refining).

As you grew older, this application became stable enough that you stopped paying attention to the details, and now you mainly let it run in the background, while you do other things (like watch videos on your phone). Occasionally as a result of this multi-tasking, you may encounter errors with your walking application, such as running into closed doors, or bumping into other people...

This is, of course, a model. It simplifies some things, it filters, groups, discriminates.... But the ideas presented here are universal enough to be generally applicable to every human machine, in making observations and predictions about their behavior. Generally speaking.

MissTaken Aftermath

 I finally published a book!

My bucket list is now clear. 😀 (Seriously though, that was the only thing on my bucket list).

It's been up for a week, and now begins the extremely difficult (for me at least) work of getting it in front of enough eyeballs to recover at least the money - if not the time - I invested to make it happen.

As I was finishing up the publishing work, I started going through some of the other attempts at a book I had worked on previously and considered maybe picking them up again.   Then as I watched the daily sales graph rapidly drop to zero, I decided maybe this hobby is too expensive.

I know- You have to give it time, not an easy ask of my ADD brain (My mom used to love to tell a story about when I came home with a book which showed how to make toy boats - which would float - using carboard, crayons and glue. I didn't have the patience to wait for the glue to dry, so I substituted scotch tape. They didn't float...). But the challenge is finding that sweet spot between giving up too early and chasing an impractical dream to long.

Six days ago, three different people commented that they really enjoyed the book, but that they wanted to know more about Nicolas.

Well, that thought got stuck in my mind. Next night, I wake up at 2am, and as I am lying in bed, Nicolas's whole story (or nearly) plays out in my head.

For the last four days, I have written a thousand words a day about Nicolas.

So, it looks like there is at least one more book in my future.

I updated the "MissTaken" Page, to be a good launch point for that book. I would be ever so grateful if you would share it far and wide.

And I will figure out how to keep you updated on my progress on book number two. Wish me luck!

MissTaken: Ch11

       If you haven't read the previous chapters, I recommend you go to this page which has links to all the chapters as I post them. 

Chapter 11

Jessica and Alyona awoke as the world around them shifted from black to grey. The rain was still falling, and the tree which had so valiantly protected them from the water during the night was beginning to lose the battle. The persistent rain penetrated the canopy drop by drop. It worked its way down the labyrinth of leaves and began to drip on them.

Alyona groaned and stretched.

“Good morning sunshine.” Jessica said cheerily from behind Alyona. She had awakened a few minutes earlier, and was sitting with her back against the tree, watching the rain. Alyona turned her head and scowled.

“Yes, we are probably going to get wet,” Jessica responded to the unspoken statement. “On the bright side, it will be much harder for them to find us, what with the reduced visibility.”

Alyona grunted.

“And,” Jessica continued, “we’ll get a refreshing shower, and our clothes will get washed while we enjoy a nice hike.”

Alyona fixed Jessica with a hard stare. “Good. You need a shower. You’re starting to smell.”

Jessica gasped, eyes wide, with an open-mouthed smile. “I think you need some protein.”

She dug into the pack, fished out two strips of dried venison, and offered one to Alyona. Alyona grunted again but took the meat and began gnawing on it. Jessica tore off a bite of her strip and chewed on it.

She stood and stretched, shaking out her arms and legs to get her blood flowing. Her calves were tight from the impromptu cross-country race they ran yesterday. She rubbed and stretched them to loosen them up.

“How long until we go back?” Alyona was up too, working out the kinks in her muscles.

Jess considered a moment, tilting and twisting her head to stretch her neck. “A few days, maybe a week at most. I think by then they ought to have moved on or given up.” She cocked her head, looking upward. She shrugged, then proceeded to pack up the slightly damp netting, stuffing it into the pack.

“How far are we going to go?”

“I think we’ll continue up this way to the peak. That should give us a good view, and hopefully, we’ll be able to spy out what they are doing and where they are going. We can go in whatever direction makes the most sense from there, depending on their actions.”

“Aah, very strategic, Polkovnik.”

Jessica shot her a half smirk. “Let’s go get wet,”

Wet was an understatement, the clouds descended to meet them as they ascended the slope. The rain drenched them from above, and the air soaked them everywhere else. It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t warm either—a sort of unpleasant, clammy coolness, that left their skin feeling numb and almost corpse-like to the touch. Their damp clothes clung to their damp skin, adding to their discomfort.

The ground was treacherously slippery in places, slowing their progress. More than once, Jessica misjudged it. A loose rock, or a patch of slippery ground cover would send her foot shooting out from beneath her and her heart into a gallop. However, each time she caught herself a split-second before landing face down in the mud. Alyona snickered every time. Jess didn’t mind though. Alyona’s chortling lifted their moods.

One upside to the weather was the bad guys wouldn’t be able to see them since visibility was less than forty feet. Of course, it meant the high ground wasn’t going to help them keep tabs on their hunters either.

“Weather can change,” Jessica mumbled to herself. This might even work out better for them; the clouds were giving them excellent cover for the climb. Maybe the weather would clear after they got on top and situated in good cover.

“What about the weather?” From Jessica’s left side, Alyona turned her head to fix Jessica with a querulous gaze.

“Oh, I uh, just thinking this is a nice change from all the sunshine.”

Alyona rolled her eyes and groaned. “How does your optimism not cause you to strangle yourself?”

Jessica chuckled. “C’mon. You must admit this is giving a little relief from the sunburn.” Jess gazed at the bright red, peeling skin on the tops of Alyona’s arms and hands, then raised her own arm next to Alyona’s, comparing their burns.

Alyona scowled, then sighed. “Yes, is nice.”

 All of the sudden, a tall rock face emerged from within the fog, blocking their path and forcing them to a halt. It stretched above them, disappearing into the clouds.

Jessica studied the rugged wall. “I don’t recall seeing that. To be fair, I doubt we came straight up. Hard to keep direction straight in weather like this, and we’ve been back and forth.”

“You think we walked around the mountain?” Alyona asked.

“A little more than a quarter of the way around. That’s all it would take to get to a part we hadn’t seen.”

“Do you think we went more left or more right?”

“Not sure, that’s the tricky part. Pick the wrong one and we may end up walking around the whole mountain.”

“Well, at least we are closer to top, so is short distance to walk.” Alyona grimaced, “Ugh, your optimism is getting into my brain!”

Jessica smiled, “Feels good, doesn’t it?” She turned serious as she scanned the rock in front of her for some sign or clue to tell her which way to go. “I’m thinkin’ we probably went more to the right than left, ‘cause we were favoring right to avoid the trail.”

Alyona grunted.

Jess stared at the cliff again, second-guessing her instinctive choice. “Climbing is a bad idea in this weather. Rocks’ll be slippery. Yeah, let’s follow the cliff to the left.”

Alyona nodded and fell in beside Jessica as they started walking to the left, along the base of the cliff.

They had walked for no more than 10 minutes when they came to the end of the rock face and began working their way up the steep slope again.

“Wait a minute,” Alyona paused, “won’t we be trapping ourselves if we go up?”

“Yeah, it’s a risk, but I think it is worth taking the chance to get the view.” She looked up into the impenetrable fog. “Not much of a risk at all if the weather stays like this.”

It was a surprisingly short climb to the summit. The cliff disappearing into the fog gave the impression it was much taller than it really was—probably only thirty or forty feet tall in reality. The top was a small, tree covered dome, roughly 30 feet in diameter.  The sides sloped steeply after that. Off to the right of where they climbed up, the slope abruptly ended in a rocky edge marking the top of the cliff they had been below earlier.

“What now?” Alyona asked as they peered into the damp fog.

“Let’s hang for a while, see if it clears up.”

They sat on a dry patch of ground under a group of large trees with a thick canopy for a moment to rest their legs and to enjoy a brief respite from the constant drizzle on their heads, running into their eyes.

The weather finally broke in the late afternoon. The drizzle stopped, and the clouds melted away. The temperature rose quickly, leaving the girls uncomfortably warm in their wet clothes.

Staying low and watching their step, they worked their way to the edges to peer down at the areas below. Several men were fanned out in the meadow they had made tracks to the day before, searching it and the perimeter.

“Looks like they are trying to find our trail that isn’t there.” Alyona’s voice was smug.

“Yup,” Jessica smiled grimly, “Wonder if we should’ve crossed the meadow, broke a few branches or something.”

“If we had, right now you would be wondering if we should have gone another hundred feet to break some more branches.”

Jessica smiled, “True.”

The girls watched the men continue their fruitless search for an hour or so, frequently scanning the rest of the valley to make sure nobody else snuck up on them. For Jess, it was a bit like reconnaissance before the hunting season—watching animal movement, figuring where they were likely to be, and where the best cover for approaches would be. It was a game of patience, and one which she enjoyed. It was relaxing, just sitting, watching, enjoying the beauty of the natural world.

Alyona was not enjoying it quite as much. She fidgeted. “Shouldn’t we be doing something?”

“We are doing something,” Jess said, focused on the activity below.

“What are we doing?”

“Waiting for black to make their move.”

“What?”

“Chess,” Jess took her gaze off the men to stare at Alyona, “We made our move, now it’s their turn. We’ll see what they do, how are they going to play it? Cautious? Aggressive? How much energy are they going to invest? Are they going to just throw a few pawns at us? Or will they break out the queen and knights?”

“I am not following,” Alyona shook her head, drawing her brows low over her eyes.

“I count seven men down there. Is this the whole hunting group or are there others looking for us elsewhere? It was hard to count while we were running from them last night, but I think I counted five, maybe six. One or two more aren’t exactly reinforcements. I would expect if there were several groups working from a base camp, the other groups would have been called in to help here, since we had been sited, but nobody has shown up. So, are they going to keep tracking us or are they about to give up and go back? Is a fresh group going to arrive soon? How careful will we have to be? And for how long?”

Jessica shifted her weight from side to side in her crouch to ease the stiffness in her joints.

“You see those two guys on the far end of the field?” Jess pointed at two figures standing close together. “They’ve spent most of the day standing or sitting around. They only act busy when those three in the middle of the field,” she closed one eye as she pointed, “get too close. One or more of them appear to be in charge.”

Alyona followed her hand, gazing between the groups of men and nodding along to her explanation.

Jessica turned her focus to Alyona, “The other thing I’ve noticed is they keep searching the same spots over and over again. They aren’t methodical at all. One of the guys will search a spot, then a while later another guy will search it. Sometimes the same guy will come back and search it again. These guys aren't particularly good at this, and they don’t really want to be here. Hopefully, it means they will move on soon, and that we are hitting the limits of what they are willing to invest to get us back. Maybe the hunt will be over soon, and we will be able to move with less caution.”

The two were quiet again for a while as they watched the men pace in circles around the field.

“So, what is plan after?” Alyona glanced across at Jessica.

Jessica thought for a moment. “First, we get everyone over the withdrawal stuff—get everybody healthy. Then we’ll hang here for long enough to pull together enough food, water, and containers to be able to travel—”

“And where are we traveling to?”

“Still working on that,” Jessica said. “The closest option was the city they took us from.”

“Risky, perhaps.”

“Yeah, at one point before I found you, I was outside a village, and overheard some guys mentioning a reward, so it might not be safe to go back there.”

“What are other option?”

Jessica shrugged, “I think Mexico City is east of here, or maybe northeast—bit more of a hike.” Jess stared off in the direction of the cave. “Not sure everyone is really up for that.” She glanced back to Alyona. “Of course, another option is north to the border. That’s gotta be something like …maybe a thousand miles, I guess? Be next year by the time we get there.”

“We could drive.” Alyona suggested.

“We don’t have a car,” Jessica paused, then remembered. “Oh yeah, the van. I wonder if they will retrieve it or just leave it? It was pretty beat-up; they might just abandon it. Of course, don’t know if I can get it running or not.”

“That van isn’t the only vehicle in Mexico you know.”

Jessica shook her head, “We don’t have any money. How we gonna get a car?”

“How did you get the van?”

Jessica bit down on her lip and scowled “I suppose that might be an option. I’d rather not steal though. Maybe we could hitch a ride …”

“And how you know who to trust not to take us for the reward?”

Jess sighed, twisting her fingers together in her lap. “There is probably a radius of effectiveness for the reward. Hike far enough north and we should be clear of it, then hitch a ride.”

“But how far is far enough?”

“Don’t know,” Jessica shrugged.

“Sometimes you know,” Alyona said, “you can do wrong thing for right reason.”

“Said every villain ever,” Jess retorted.

Alyona cocked her head to one side, confusion shining in her eyes.

“Nobody picks bad guy as their career choice,” Jess said. “Every villain sees himself as the good guy—the hero whose means are justified by the end.”

Alyona rolled her eyes, “I’m talking about ‘borrowing’ a car, not committing genocide.”

Jessica opened her mouth to respond, but the words died on her lips in a croak, and she shut it. She opened it again, raising a finger, then closed it again. Was Alyona right? Was there perhaps a circumstance where stealing became justified?

She shook her head. “We’ll find another way.”

Alyona stared at her for a moment, then sighed and shook her head. “uprjámyj,” she muttered to herself as she stalked away.

 Jessica continued her patient vigil, watching for an arrival of reinforcements, trying to gauge the mood and morale of the men below. Nobody else came into view, and the men continued going over the same area.

The sun was low when the men finally gathered and started back along the trail. Jessica watched as they crested the ridge, then started down toward the river. It was dark by the time they reached the clump of trees where she dug the pit on the trail, but the flicker of flashlights gave her an easy way to track the men as they continued down the path.

The lights disappeared for a while as the men traversed the steeper part of the canyon near the base, then they came into view again as they neared the black ribbon of river. They were close to her fish traps, and the submerged basket full of venison. Would they find it? She contemplated whether leaving it in place had been a good idea. It wasn’t easy to see, and the girls needed the food. Although, with the men camped right next to it, they couldn’t access it anyway.

Before long, she saw flickering light and shadow, indicating a fire had been built. It looked like they were going to be there for the night anyway.

Jessica frowned. She really didn’t like that they were so close to the cave. If somebody sneezed, or coughed, or even snored too loud it would give them away.

A bright flash to her left caught her attention. It was followed by an ominous rumble. The grass rustled around them.

“Jessica!” Alyona hissed.

“Here!” Jessica whispered back. The rustling continued, moving directly toward Jess. Alyona’s face came into view out of the darkness. “You saw that, yes?”

“Saw and heard it.”

“I think on top of tall mountain, under tallest trees is not so good place to be right now.”

“Yeah, I think you’re probably right. Let’s work our way down and find someplace to shelter.” Jessica stood, brushing and straightening her clothes.

“Difficult in the dark.”

“Yep. And remember the cliff. Let’s not go down that.”

Alyona grunted. “Yeah, no trying flying tonight.”